1 00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:19,420 Single file. 2 00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:22,756 Stay to the right of the line. 3 00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:23,791 Take your time. 4 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:27,228 Take a good look. 5 00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:29,830 Hey, um, are you sure they can't see us? 6 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,065 One-way mirror, ma'am. 7 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:35,969 Picture, in 3...2...1. 8 00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:43,944 * girls hit back * 9 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,780 * when you least expect * 10 00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:51,252 * where you most regret it * 11 00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:55,556 * girls think they're misunderstood * 12 00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:58,592 * but I know goddamned well * 13 00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:02,830 * all the things they do they do to nerve me * 14 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,398 * I don't mean to say it * 15 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:09,103 * but somebody needs to put an end to girls * 16 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:15,109 * wish I didn't need them * 17 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:18,312 a heinous crime has been committed here. 18 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,248 Should you decide that your testimony 19 00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:21,849 might jeopardize your personal safety-- 20 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,685 look, sipowicz, i said I'd tell you everything. 21 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:29,790 I was just hoping we could finish this up before menopause kicks in. 22 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:32,926 Let's start with the one that thinks her butt don't stink... 23 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:35,363 Diane Weston. 24 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:40,234 She's like a damn poster child for high school. 25 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,802 Morning, sunshine. 26 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,872 Remember, these are the best days of your life. 27 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,009 So far. 28 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,878 Lisa: she's the "a" squad captain. 29 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,346 She stole that title from me. 30 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,182 You should charge her with that. 31 00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:56,250 Woman: alright, let's take it from the top. 32 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:59,019 Man: and one, and two, and one, and two... 33 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,288 One, and two-- 34 00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,290 hi, Bruce. You look cute. 35 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:03,491 Tommy hilfiger. 36 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,893 I'm hoping 4th year's the charm. 37 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,027 Heh. 38 00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,497 Outta my way, Bruce. I'm up. 39 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,667 Lisa... is that you? 40 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,105 I lost a little weight. 41 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,140 Wow. 42 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:21,775 This really should've been my year. 43 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,411 I had a lot of work done. 44 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,480 I mean, I had done a lot of work over the summer. 45 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,916 You could tell i made her nervous. 46 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:33,387 But they have to, you know, spread the talent around, so... 47 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:37,191 I've been on the "b" squad for 4 years. 48 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,527 Now, the squad as a whole... 49 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,695 They're closer than Carolina cousins. 50 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:45,233 I mean, some people say they're like cousins or something, 51 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,502 but that's just mostly the egg-offs in band. 52 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,241 Truth is they're so close 53 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:56,009 they all get their monthly visit from aunt Rose 54 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,445 at the same time. 55 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,647 This one's Hannah wald. 56 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,015 She's like this uberchristian, 57 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,451 doesn't really say much. 58 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,553 In fact, if she wasn't kind of pretty, 59 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,821 you'd go, "hey, who's the tart?" 60 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,291 Then there's Cleo Miller. 61 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:13,461 Number one: not a real c-cup. 62 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,128 I've been in the locker room. 63 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,864 And number 2... 64 00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:19,767 She has to see the school shrink. 65 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,470 She's completely obsessed 66 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,971 with conan o'brien. 67 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,675 Miller: dreams? 68 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:31,779 You mean like where I'm in conan's all-leather apartment? 69 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,548 Heh. I mean, i don't know if he has one, 70 00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,450 but that's why it's a dream. 71 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:41,789 And suddenly, we're buck-naked and all oiled up. 72 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,924 I don't know where the oil comes from, 73 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,926 but, again, that's why it's a dream. 74 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:49,129 Lisa: then there's Kansas hill, the original bad seed. 75 00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:53,367 Son of a blue-balled bitch, i always get this one! 76 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,603 Mouth on her could stop a bull in heat. 77 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,571 She gets her brain from her mother. 78 00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:59,340 Kansas' mom's been in prison 79 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,775 ever since the day she was born. 80 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:05,479 She was just lying there, in labor with Kansas, 81 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,482 when she hears something going on in the next bed. 82 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:10,651 Turns out it's Kansas's dad 83 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,853 taking a nurse's temperature. 84 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:17,157 Stay with me. I'm trying to be delicate. 85 00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:19,327 Anyway, she whips out a shotgun 86 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,329 and blows his ass to kingdom come. 87 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,431 So, she got life without parole 88 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,334 and now Kansas lives with her grandparents. 89 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,035 And then there's Lucy. 90 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,070 Geek extraordinaire. 91 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,705 A walking left brain. 92 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:35,275 She's supposed to have this genius IQ, but the truth is 93 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:38,646 she's an obsessive-compulsive little freak. 94 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,350 Ok, hands in, ladies. 95 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,355 Today, we're gonna cheer loud, 96 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,557 jump high, and look pretty because... 97 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,659 All: cheerleaders kick... 98 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,094 Let's get going, 'cause no one ever got ahead 99 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,830 by sitting on their behind. 100 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:57,931 * oh, yeah * 101 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,767 Lisa: school year started off like normal. 102 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,702 Principal Smith gave his pep talk. 103 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:05,205 Smith: if you are approached to buy drugs, 104 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,776 let someone you trust know. 105 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:14,448 If you are thinking of harming yourself, 106 00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,450 or others... 107 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,186 Let someone know. 108 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,989 If it burns when you urinate, 109 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,625 have milky seepage, 110 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:28,862 or are being touched by an uncle, 111 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:31,164 let someone know. 112 00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,733 Uhh. 113 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,102 Girl: come on, you guys! 114 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,405 Let's hear it for the Lincoln "a" squad! 115 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,942 Lisa, voice-over: "A" squad? Right. 116 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:45,212 I was doing better dance numbers in grade school. 117 00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:46,880 It really burned my toast. 118 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,855 Now, I know it's my duty to give you all the facts. 119 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:30,958 So I'm gonna have to say that their cheer blew 120 00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,393 like a bulimic after Christmas dinner. 121 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,832 Their blatant disregard 122 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,368 for national high school cheerleading association rules 123 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:44,371 made me sick. 124 00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,574 Basket toss flips and woolfall pyramids 125 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,910 over 2 people high are strictly prohibited. 126 00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,282 Yeah! 127 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,985 I made a complete report and sent it in. 128 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:20,641 Crowd: hey! Go, Lincoln! 129 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:24,177 Hey! go, Lincoln! 130 00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:27,014 Hey...go...lincoln! 131 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:31,051 And, finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for... 132 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,120 Man: transferring from Truman high, 133 00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,556 the new star quarterback 134 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,892 of our mighty fightin' lincolns, 135 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,694 Jack bartlett! 136 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,563 Lisa: that's when Jack and Diane met. 137 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:45,065 Nobody saw it coming... 138 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,200 Especially not Jack. 139 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,604 Pffft! ha ha ha ha! 140 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,451 Jack was fine. 141 00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,954 Oh, man, was he fine. 142 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,422 It was like he was a bar of chocolate 143 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,825 and the whole school was on the rag. 144 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,361 Everyone wanted a piece of him. 145 00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:17,364 Jack bartlett. 146 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,367 Jack Bart-lett. 147 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:21,869 Jack bartlett. 148 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:26,106 Is Jack bartlett interested in me? 149 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,240 Girl: I'm sorry, 150 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,409 can someone else please run the board? 151 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:32,079 It's creepy, it's wrong, and it goes against the teachings 152 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,947 of my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. 153 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,316 Hannah, in order to get real answers from netherworld, 154 00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,952 you've got to have a Christian virgin run the board. 155 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,589 Your kind is pure. The devil won't mess with you. 156 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,290 Well, uh, technically, 157 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,826 I don't think I'm a virgin anymore. What! 158 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:49,462 At church camp this summer, I'm pretty sure I had, 159 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,832 you know, my first orgasm. 160 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:54,702 Any sentence that starts with, "at church camp..." 161 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,136 Ain't leading to the big "o." 162 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,138 That's not true. Those pictures of Christ, 163 00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,808 all sweaty and bare-chested on the cross, 164 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,210 always kinda made me hot. 165 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:06,847 I wanna know what happened. 166 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,216 Ok, well, one night around sunset, 167 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,251 I went horseback riding with the nuns. 168 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,753 They went every night. 169 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,988 And we're trotting pretty hard, you know? 170 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,924 All of a sudden, i feel-- 171 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,327 I feel just super-alive, you know? 172 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,698 Maybe I'll just ask the question myself. 173 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,702 Is Jack bartlett interested in me? 174 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,238 Hee. 175 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,806 He is. 176 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,146 Girl: hey, man, is this thing, like, on? 177 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:42,482 Ok, I'm just here to announce my candidacy 178 00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,151 for the homecoming queen. 179 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,487 Uh, I plan to spread the word on 4-h. 180 00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,222 It's all about the cows, man... 181 00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:52,059 Lisa, voice-over: I'll be honest with you-- most of us realized 182 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,728 we didn't have a whore's chance in heaven with Jack, 183 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,529 the day of the candidate speeches. 184 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,465 Youth... 185 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,400 And agriculture. 186 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,335 4-h! 4-h rules! 187 00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,210 Boy: thank you, sir. 188 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,244 Diane: good job. 189 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,215 Um, as--as the a-v club candidate-- 190 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:18,986 I think, for the-- for the first time in 50 years-- 191 00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,221 uh, we should-- we should say no. 192 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:25,793 We should say no to a football player as king. 193 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:28,595 Vote brains over brawn-- 194 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,263 ha ha ha! 195 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,733 Aw. 196 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:50,718 Woo! 197 00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,387 Lisa, voice-over: It was the first time 198 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,456 most of us even heard Jack speak. 199 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,591 Thanks, wow, heh heh. 200 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,128 We weren't disappointed. 201 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:03,463 Ok, guys. Hey, guys... 202 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,898 Would you shut up a minute? 203 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:06,934 I was just joking. 204 00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:13,073 Well, uh, I just think it really rocks 205 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:15,342 that the football team picked me as their 206 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,244 you know, um, candidate. 207 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,346 Boys: woof, woof, woof. 208 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,380 Yeah! 209 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,082 Girls: we love you, Jack! 210 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,151 Well, I love you, too, lunch ladies. 211 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:29,289 I just wanna say that there's only 3 things i want in life-- 212 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,292 to someday become a senator of this great state... 213 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,296 I wanna lead the mighty fightin' lincolns 214 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,165 to victory at the homecoming game. 215 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,968 Diane: alright! 216 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,002 Ow! 217 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:46,273 And, uh, I want to go to the homecoming dance 218 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,507 with Diane Weston. 219 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,051 Ha ha ha. 220 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,236 Lisa: ugh, they were like friggin' Barbie and Ken, 221 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,772 but without the pink, remote-control corvette. 222 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,008 Overnight, people were going, like... 223 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,510 Ohh, they're the perfect couple. 224 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,913 They're so cute. 225 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,981 Lisa: I'm sure it gave the Internet whacks 226 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,183 something to talk about besides agent Scully 227 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,920 and their most recent wet dream. 228 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,024 Now, I'm not one to gossip... 229 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:44,097 But I think Jack and Diane got so close, so fast, 230 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,801 because they discovered how much they both loved... 231 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,169 Football. 232 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:52,005 Man, did they love their football. 233 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,308 Cheerleaders: hey, ho, let's go! 234 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,977 Hey, ho... 235 00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,946 Lisa: I don't know about the "hey," 236 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,448 but "ho" is right on the money. 237 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,016 If they'd asked, 238 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,618 I easily could've helped them with some new material. 239 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,121 Green 88! Green 88! 240 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:10,557 Set, hut. 241 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,306 * hey, ho * 242 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:27,674 * let's go * 243 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,076 * hey, ho * 244 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,911 * let's go * 245 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,280 woo-hoo! 246 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:46,927 I...love...you. 247 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:51,531 I...love...you. 248 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,678 Woo! woo, yeah! 249 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,214 Ha ha! 250 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,681 Yeah! 251 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,417 Yeah, baby. 252 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,186 Oof! 253 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,890 * hey, ho, let's go * 254 00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,258 Lisa: right about here 255 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,493 is where it really started to hit the fan. 256 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,963 Don't worry, I'll clean this up a bit 257 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,933 if I have to appear in court. 258 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,268 Especially if we're on court TV. 259 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,776 Excuse me, vendela, have you seen Diane? 260 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:40,547 Because we were supposed to go to the homecoming dance tonight. 261 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,217 Oh. 262 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,785 Mmm. 263 00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,820 Oh, baby. 264 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,156 Mmm. oh! 265 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:52,425 Oh! oh! 266 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:53,626 Aw, look at this. 267 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,196 Oh, my, look at that. 268 00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,898 Look at those two. 269 00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:01,834 Alright. hold up. I have an announcement to make. 270 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,972 Me and Diane, uh... 271 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,707 Oh, what the hey? We're getting married. 272 00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:11,144 No! yes! Ha ha ha! 273 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:16,916 Diane: but, well... 274 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,186 Not before i have our baby. 275 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,490 Aaah! 276 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,458 So, when your dad said, 277 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,195 "i never want to see your f-ing faces again," 278 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,964 do you think he meant "forever" forever 279 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:33,266 or just until your mom wakes up? 280 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,935 i don't know. 281 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:37,370 What was that sound she made 282 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,107 right before she hit the ground? 283 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:46,113 Well, if I had to guess, 284 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,381 I'd say that was the sound of a mother 285 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,251 saying good-bye to her little boy 286 00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,853 and hello to the young man 287 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,389 who's going to be a daddy of his own. 288 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,528 Jack...do you know what I see here? 289 00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,630 Spit from your dad? 290 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,034 Heh. I see a flower. 291 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,502 And you know, even the most beautiful flowers 292 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,438 still grow from dirt. 293 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:13,540 Yeah. 294 00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,908 And while we're knee-deep in it right now 295 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,245 and things may seem pretty stinky, 296 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:22,149 in the long run we're gonna grow strong from this. 297 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:23,816 You think? 298 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,252 I sure do. 299 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,054 Diane... 300 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,824 I-I've loved you since I first saw you. 301 00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:36,296 Right before you kicked me in the head. 302 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,765 Oh, Jack. 303 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:53,046 * you can be happy when everyone's singing * 304 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:55,248 * it's so fun * 305 00:16:56,683 --> 00:17:01,754 * just try to remember... * 306 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,756 Lisa, voice-over: Now...I don't think 307 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:07,327 Diane just up and told the squad about the baby that night, 308 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:10,597 but somehow they managed to figure it out. 309 00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:13,200 Diane: no, thanks. Don't need one. 310 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,374 So? 311 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,244 Holy smoke. 312 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,946 You just became a statistic. 313 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:29,048 Oh, my god. I'm not the first. 314 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,950 But--but you're not married. 315 00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:34,354 Wait, did you say you are pregnant or you were pregnant? 316 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,089 You had it, threw it out, 317 00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,924 now you're gonna dance all night? 318 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,526 Fern: shut up, Cleo. 319 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,794 Di, how much you need for an abortion? 320 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,231 What?! no. Not an abortion. 321 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,666 My church can arrange for you to go to Oregon 322 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,102 and take care of an aunt for 9 months. 323 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,537 They find your baby a home, 324 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,905 you come back a little dazed and puffy 325 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,341 but everything's fine. 326 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,809 Please, di, don't be a whore and a murderer. 327 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,114 Lisa, voice-over: Jack told the team that night. 328 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,915 Jack: hey, guys, i, uh... 329 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,552 I got Diane pregnant. 330 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:06,719 What? 331 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,455 Well, alright! 332 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:10,623 You nailed Diane Weston? 333 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,726 Ha! I'd never wash my Johnson again. 334 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:15,795 Hey. 335 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:16,929 Yeah. 336 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,298 Ha-hoo! 337 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,439 I didn't mean to say "whore," Diane. 338 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,741 Just that I hear it so much at church 339 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,344 it kind of came flying out of my head. 340 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,380 I know, Hannah. 341 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,948 Look...i'm not gonna get an abortion. 342 00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:39,386 I've always planned on getting married and having kids. 343 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,921 I'm just going a little out of order. 344 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:46,526 Kind of reminds me of another young lady 345 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:51,731 who found herself with child, unmarried... 346 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,000 On a long, long road... 347 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,902 With no place to sleep. 348 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:59,972 Of course, that was a long, long time ago. 349 00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,041 But no matter what, 350 00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:05,378 she held her head high and said, 351 00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:08,881 "papa, don't preach. 352 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,983 "I'm in trouble deep. 353 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:14,086 "Papa, don't preach, 354 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,155 "'cause I made up my mind. 355 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,090 "I'm keepin' my baby. 356 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,794 Yeah, I'm gonna keep my baby." 357 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,898 The great one. 358 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,200 All: Madonna. 359 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,469 Cleo: we're here for you, Diane. 360 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:32,672 You guys... 361 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,841 Thanks. oh... 362 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,212 I'll pray for you every night. 363 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,513 We love you. 364 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:43,115 I love you guys. You're the best. 365 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,052 Lisa, voice-over: I guess their little fairy tale could've ended there. 366 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:49,188 The only problem was they didn't have a place to live. 367 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:52,158 What? but all of our paperwork's here. 368 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,693 My school records 369 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,428 and Jack's football records. 370 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,464 Let me explain something... 371 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,131 No, wait-- did I say... 372 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,667 "Cross my heart, hope to die" 373 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,602 that we will never miss a payment? 374 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,838 Uh, yes. Yes, you did. 375 00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,140 I think I know where this one's going. 376 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,976 Um, listen... 377 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,779 I'm willing to put up my papers on my gto. 378 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:17,417 Now, she's got a few miles on her, but she looks great. 379 00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:18,851 I'm sure, son, but, um... 380 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:19,886 Oh, ow! 381 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:21,821 She's twisting my arm. 382 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,923 I'm gonna throw in the speakers, too. 383 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:27,193 Why don't you just have your parents come and get the loan 384 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,329 and then they can give you the money? 385 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,197 With all due respect, ma'am, 386 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:34,334 Jack and Diane bartlett... 387 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,102 Do not accept charity. 388 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:39,171 We are 2 young, able-bodied Americans. 389 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,073 We're not looking for a handout 390 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,542 we're looking for a hand up. 391 00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:45,712 Give us food, and we'll be hungry tomorrow 392 00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:46,979 but give us corn-- 393 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:49,382 the kind you plant, not eat-- 394 00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,784 and we'll grow it 395 00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:55,121 and uh, um...Cut it, 396 00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:57,056 and, uh... 397 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:58,691 You know, eat it. 398 00:20:58,758 --> 00:20:59,892 Hmm. 399 00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,494 Now, if you're interested 400 00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:04,331 in giving us a home loan, i will sit back down. 401 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,766 If not, have a nice day, ma'am. 402 00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:09,235 Sorry. my hands are tied. 403 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:10,470 Oh! 404 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,443 Whew. 405 00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:19,712 Lisa, voice-over: Somehow, they managed to find their dream house anyway. 406 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:22,048 More of a dump, if you ask me. 407 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,082 We'll take it. 408 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:28,488 Fine. settle down, ok? Just keep in mind-- 409 00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:32,058 I manage the building, ok? I don't own it and don't fix squat. 410 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,494 And I also don't care if things break, ok? 411 00:21:34,561 --> 00:21:36,128 All I care is you little bastards 412 00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:39,399 shove the rent under my door on the first, you got that? 413 00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:40,800 You understand that? 414 00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:44,236 Ok. oh, yeah, and one more thing. 415 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:45,905 You see any packages outside my door, 416 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:49,241 you leave 'em the hell alone. Capisce? 417 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,477 Ugh... 418 00:21:54,347 --> 00:21:57,216 Jack: 2 taco grr-rrandes! 419 00:21:57,283 --> 00:22:01,354 One bean burr-rrito. 420 00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:05,825 A large taco chip. 421 00:22:05,892 --> 00:22:07,960 And guacamole. 422 00:22:10,397 --> 00:22:12,298 And that'll be... 423 00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:15,402 35 cents. 424 00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:21,508 We don't really have fried rats in the buckets. 425 00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:25,478 I know. I checked. 426 00:22:28,147 --> 00:22:29,516 I'm gonna save you the time. 427 00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,551 I'm not gonna lie. Don't believe in it. 428 00:22:31,618 --> 00:22:33,820 If you pick your ass, I'm gonna tell people. 429 00:22:33,886 --> 00:22:36,055 Have no idea how to run your register. 430 00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:37,557 You're Jack bartlett, right? 431 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,392 Yeah. 432 00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:41,828 So, you'd be, like, hanging out with us 433 00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:43,863 every night after school, then, right? 434 00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:46,365 Yeah. well, I mean, after football practice, yeah. 435 00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:48,535 Football practice? 436 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,372 Fantasmic. 437 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,575 You're so hired. 438 00:23:03,249 --> 00:23:05,618 I'm on top of the world! 439 00:23:11,758 --> 00:23:12,592 Errr! 440 00:23:12,659 --> 00:23:14,427 Hey, di, if we have a girl, 441 00:23:14,494 --> 00:23:16,262 we should dress her like little Debbie. 442 00:23:16,328 --> 00:23:17,897 Jack, honey, I'm only eating for two. 443 00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:19,732 I know, but this food reminds me 444 00:23:19,799 --> 00:23:21,601 how much I wanna teach our baby, 445 00:23:21,668 --> 00:23:23,870 like cocoa puffs is good, captain crunch is bad. 446 00:23:23,936 --> 00:23:25,705 It shreds the roof of your mouth. 447 00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:26,939 You're not born with knowledge. 448 00:23:27,006 --> 00:23:28,741 You hear "trix are for kids." 449 00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:31,444 You think, "I'm a kid, i guess they're for me." 450 00:23:31,511 --> 00:23:33,312 But your little baby brain's got no idea 451 00:23:33,379 --> 00:23:36,215 that lucky charms are a million times better for you. 452 00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:37,750 Jack? 453 00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:40,653 Hey. pop quiz. If you could be count chocula 454 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,922 or trix the rabbit, who would you be? 455 00:23:42,989 --> 00:23:44,991 Uh...trix. 456 00:23:45,057 --> 00:23:48,227 Me, too. God! Will it never end? 457 00:23:48,294 --> 00:23:50,229 I love this lady! 458 00:23:51,397 --> 00:23:52,431 Ah! 459 00:23:52,499 --> 00:23:55,568 Jack, I think i should get a job. 460 00:23:55,635 --> 00:23:58,437 No, but we agreed your job's running the baby machine. 461 00:23:58,505 --> 00:24:00,306 I know, but that was before I realized-- 462 00:24:00,372 --> 00:24:03,175 oh...i almost forgot gas for the baby machine. 463 00:24:03,242 --> 00:24:06,479 I'm gonna get your snickers and meet you in line, ok? 464 00:24:06,546 --> 00:24:08,848 Mmm. I love you. Love you. 465 00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:15,622 Woman on P.A.: Attention, Bob. Cleanup on aisle 3. 466 00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:28,367 Jack: hey, di! 467 00:24:28,434 --> 00:24:29,802 Hi, I'm a little professor! 468 00:24:29,869 --> 00:24:32,271 Wouldn't it be cute if ours looked like this? 469 00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:33,840 Yeah, you little marsh--uh! 470 00:24:33,906 --> 00:24:35,074 Honey! 471 00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:37,544 Oh, I am really sorry. 472 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:39,045 Jack... 473 00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:46,085 I never knew you dreamed of working 474 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:48,120 in a grocery store bank branch. 475 00:24:48,187 --> 00:24:51,090 Baby, we are living the great American dream. 476 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:52,391 Mm-hmm. 477 00:24:52,458 --> 00:24:53,826 If you reach for the stars, 478 00:24:53,893 --> 00:24:58,230 you're bound to step-- mm! Jack, pull over. 479 00:24:58,297 --> 00:24:59,532 Mm. pull over. 480 00:24:59,599 --> 00:25:01,601 Oh, jeez! Ew! 481 00:25:06,472 --> 00:25:08,374 Why do they call it morning sickness? 482 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,743 It's ok. Get it all out. 483 00:25:10,810 --> 00:25:12,979 Have any breath mints? 484 00:25:13,045 --> 00:25:14,146 Oh... 485 00:25:14,213 --> 00:25:16,783 Jack: so, she's in my hands, right? 486 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,885 Warm to the touch. 487 00:25:18,951 --> 00:25:22,054 Now, it's at that second that I think I control her-- 488 00:25:22,121 --> 00:25:23,422 she's mine. 489 00:25:23,489 --> 00:25:25,424 But it's a false illusion. 490 00:25:25,491 --> 00:25:28,060 You know, it's like in that movie backdraft. 491 00:25:28,127 --> 00:25:30,697 "No man controls fire." 492 00:25:32,231 --> 00:25:34,533 So, she's ready. 493 00:25:34,601 --> 00:25:35,702 I'm ready. Heh. 494 00:25:35,768 --> 00:25:37,670 She's ready. 495 00:25:37,737 --> 00:25:39,639 I yell... 496 00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:42,141 "42-58. hike!" 497 00:25:43,309 --> 00:25:45,311 Baa! touchdown. 498 00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:53,953 * ready to go * 499 00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,255 where were we? 500 00:25:59,792 --> 00:26:03,095 * ready to go * 501 00:26:21,914 --> 00:26:24,050 I need a place to keep this. 502 00:26:24,116 --> 00:26:26,518 So if anyone asks, what do you know? 503 00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:28,721 That's right. You don't know squat. 504 00:26:30,790 --> 00:26:32,391 * it's a crack, I'm back * 505 00:26:32,458 --> 00:26:34,126 * yeah, I'm standing on rooftops... * 506 00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:39,165 * baby, I'm ready to go * 507 00:26:39,231 --> 00:26:42,835 * I'm back and ready to go * 508 00:26:42,902 --> 00:26:45,571 * from the rooftops, shout it out * 509 00:26:45,638 --> 00:26:47,306 * it's a crack, I'm back * 510 00:26:47,373 --> 00:26:50,677 * yeah, I'm standing on the rooftops having it * 511 00:26:50,743 --> 00:26:53,946 * baby, I'm ready to go * 512 00:26:54,013 --> 00:26:57,416 * I'm back and ready to go * 513 00:26:57,483 --> 00:27:01,553 * from the rooftops, shout it out * 514 00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:05,692 * baby, I'm ready to go * 515 00:27:05,758 --> 00:27:09,495 come on, Jack, you promised. 516 00:27:09,561 --> 00:27:10,963 ok. One question. 517 00:27:11,030 --> 00:27:13,733 Oh, me, me, me! Mine's great. 518 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,068 Proceed, dungeon master quon. 519 00:27:18,004 --> 00:27:19,005 Ok, Jack. 520 00:27:19,071 --> 00:27:23,309 You know how you and Diane slept together? 521 00:27:23,375 --> 00:27:25,077 Yeah. 522 00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:27,680 Well, now that you can't sleep together 523 00:27:27,747 --> 00:27:29,248 but you still sleep together, 524 00:27:29,315 --> 00:27:32,719 don't you ever get just, like, super horny? 525 00:27:32,785 --> 00:27:35,788 And if so, how horny? 526 00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:38,758 I'll be quiet now so I can listen to your answer. 527 00:27:38,825 --> 00:27:40,526 Lisa: yeah, Jack. 528 00:27:40,592 --> 00:27:43,830 I'd love to hear your answer. 529 00:27:43,896 --> 00:27:45,765 The answer's easy. 530 00:27:45,832 --> 00:27:47,266 Oh, uh... 531 00:27:47,333 --> 00:27:49,568 Lolitais due back tomorrow. 532 00:27:49,635 --> 00:27:51,771 Same for 9 1/2 weeks 533 00:27:51,838 --> 00:27:53,639 and ditto on wild things. 534 00:27:56,442 --> 00:28:00,346 Guys...i'm going to be a dad. 535 00:28:00,412 --> 00:28:02,581 Dads don't get horny. 536 00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:05,785 Lisa, voice-over: To the kids at school, 537 00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:07,920 Jack and Diane had it all. 538 00:28:07,987 --> 00:28:09,922 Their own apartment, staying up late, 539 00:28:09,989 --> 00:28:11,323 eating whatever they wanted, 540 00:28:11,390 --> 00:28:13,059 plus Jack was getting a discount 541 00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:16,295 on r-rated movies at the video store. 542 00:28:16,362 --> 00:28:18,297 Hello? reality check. 543 00:28:18,364 --> 00:28:21,834 School, practice, work, and lamaze class? 544 00:28:21,901 --> 00:28:25,171 It was really starting to take its toll. 545 00:28:25,237 --> 00:28:27,974 2, 4, 6, 8... 546 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,277 Fighting lincolns on to state! 547 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:35,414 Fight! 548 00:28:35,481 --> 00:28:37,083 Lincoln! fight! 549 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,290 Jack: blue 42! Blue 42! 550 00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:48,294 Hike! 551 00:29:08,547 --> 00:29:10,482 Lisa: ok, so they won state. 552 00:29:10,549 --> 00:29:13,185 B.f.d. 553 00:29:13,252 --> 00:29:14,286 The best part was 554 00:29:14,353 --> 00:29:16,989 Diane was really starting to look like hell. 555 00:29:17,056 --> 00:29:20,092 Kansas: Diane? Diane! 556 00:29:20,159 --> 00:29:21,760 Huh? what? 557 00:29:21,828 --> 00:29:25,097 I'm under the ice! I'm under the ice! 558 00:29:27,633 --> 00:29:28,801 Huh? 559 00:29:33,039 --> 00:29:35,341 Oh, man, that was a weird one. 560 00:29:35,407 --> 00:29:36,876 Another sex dream? 561 00:29:36,943 --> 00:29:39,678 Wayne gretzky. Hat trick? 562 00:29:39,745 --> 00:29:41,213 He is the great one. 563 00:29:41,814 --> 00:29:42,781 Heh heh. 564 00:29:42,849 --> 00:29:44,650 Oh, my god. 565 00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:46,052 You've been robbed. 566 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:48,654 No, I've been pregnant. 567 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:50,289 Di, are you ok? 568 00:29:50,356 --> 00:29:53,792 We can skip the girl party this week. 569 00:29:53,860 --> 00:29:55,594 Everything's fine. 570 00:29:55,661 --> 00:29:57,096 I'm just having a little trouble 571 00:29:57,163 --> 00:29:59,966 turning my frown upside down. 572 00:30:00,032 --> 00:30:03,635 Want us to help you pick up? 573 00:30:03,702 --> 00:30:06,805 Don't Martha freaking Stewart me. 574 00:30:06,873 --> 00:30:10,342 You don't like it, you try being a pregnant teen. 575 00:30:13,179 --> 00:30:14,713 Brendon! go with them. 576 00:30:14,780 --> 00:30:16,682 They're in the vault, man. Go! Go! 577 00:30:16,748 --> 00:30:18,484 Second man: Who's Mr. duggan? 578 00:30:18,550 --> 00:30:19,618 Mr. duggan. 579 00:30:19,685 --> 00:30:21,387 You want to open the vault? 580 00:30:21,453 --> 00:30:23,655 Or do you want me to do it? 581 00:30:23,722 --> 00:30:25,157 Do whatever they want, Terry. 582 00:30:25,224 --> 00:30:26,125 Oh. 583 00:30:26,192 --> 00:30:27,626 Take the keys. Take them! 584 00:30:27,693 --> 00:30:29,095 Lucy: I'm confused. 585 00:30:29,161 --> 00:30:31,163 Pappas knew the bank robbers were surfers 586 00:30:31,230 --> 00:30:33,499 because he saw a tan line? 587 00:30:34,867 --> 00:30:36,135 Luce, it's point break. 588 00:30:36,202 --> 00:30:38,070 Just shut up and look at Keanu. 589 00:30:38,137 --> 00:30:41,807 Di, what would you do if you were in a holdup? 590 00:30:41,874 --> 00:30:43,442 Well... 591 00:30:43,509 --> 00:30:45,311 I guess I... 592 00:30:45,377 --> 00:30:47,914 I'd give them all the money they could hold 593 00:30:47,980 --> 00:30:49,715 and wish them a good life. 594 00:30:49,781 --> 00:30:51,317 Because the Beatles were wrong. 595 00:30:51,383 --> 00:30:53,986 Love isn't all you need. 596 00:30:54,053 --> 00:30:55,854 Love won't pay the rent, 597 00:30:55,922 --> 00:30:57,990 love won't buy my baby diapers, 598 00:30:58,057 --> 00:30:59,825 love sure as hell won't buy me 599 00:30:59,892 --> 00:31:01,260 my new dolce and gabbana jeans 600 00:31:01,327 --> 00:31:03,462 when I lose my baby weight. 601 00:31:05,932 --> 00:31:07,599 Pretty soon we'll be broke, 602 00:31:07,666 --> 00:31:11,203 and I'll just be another fat-ass wearing chic jeans. 603 00:31:12,804 --> 00:31:14,540 Ok, put the snickers down. 604 00:31:14,606 --> 00:31:16,108 Come kick it over here. 605 00:31:16,175 --> 00:31:17,977 Wait a minute! Freeze that! Freeze that! 606 00:31:18,044 --> 00:31:19,811 Man on TV: ...Too much time! 607 00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:22,214 Cleo: yeah. Can you imagine? 608 00:31:22,281 --> 00:31:24,850 Conan's head on Keanu's body? 609 00:31:24,917 --> 00:31:26,785 Unstoppable. 610 00:31:26,852 --> 00:31:29,255 No! that's it! A bank robbery. 611 00:31:29,321 --> 00:31:31,757 A big pile of money, and my little family-to-be 612 00:31:31,823 --> 00:31:33,392 could get our heads above water. 613 00:31:33,459 --> 00:31:34,826 I read about this. 614 00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:36,728 It's called pregnancy insanity. 615 00:31:36,795 --> 00:31:39,098 Look, I might be moody... 616 00:31:39,165 --> 00:31:40,599 I might be gassy... 617 00:31:40,666 --> 00:31:43,235 But I am perfectly sane. Think about it. 618 00:31:43,302 --> 00:31:47,773 In school they tell us dreams can come true. Right? 619 00:31:47,839 --> 00:31:48,975 Right. right. 620 00:31:49,041 --> 00:31:51,377 But they don't tell us how. 621 00:31:51,443 --> 00:31:54,846 Thanks to Keanu, I've figured it out. 622 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:58,017 Money makes your dreams come true. 623 00:31:58,817 --> 00:32:00,219 Listen, Kansas, 624 00:32:00,286 --> 00:32:02,688 I know you dream of springing your mom someday. 625 00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:04,156 Stop, you're gonna make me cry. 626 00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:06,092 If the o.J. Trial taught us anything, 627 00:32:06,158 --> 00:32:09,128 it taught us, in America, you can cut somebody's head off 628 00:32:09,195 --> 00:32:10,829 and still be found innocent... 629 00:32:10,896 --> 00:32:13,032 As long as you have enough money. 630 00:32:13,099 --> 00:32:15,968 Well, your mom only shot a guy. 631 00:32:16,035 --> 00:32:17,469 And Cleo? I know you dream 632 00:32:17,536 --> 00:32:21,440 of an all-leather apartment with conan. 633 00:32:21,507 --> 00:32:23,875 I overheard the school shrink telling the lunch lady. 634 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,344 Oh. 635 00:32:25,411 --> 00:32:27,946 Hannah, you could give your share to the church, 636 00:32:28,014 --> 00:32:30,082 or maybe buy one of those starving kids 637 00:32:30,149 --> 00:32:31,984 that Sally struthers advertises. 638 00:32:32,051 --> 00:32:33,819 Or I could buy my own horse. 639 00:32:33,885 --> 00:32:35,754 Or that. 640 00:32:35,821 --> 00:32:40,659 Guys, I just wanna provide a future for my baby. 641 00:32:40,726 --> 00:32:42,294 I know my bank branch 642 00:32:42,361 --> 00:32:45,331 like the back of my puffy little hand. 643 00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:47,599 I could open that safe in my sleep. 644 00:32:51,003 --> 00:32:52,004 I'm in. 645 00:32:52,071 --> 00:32:53,239 Yes! what? 646 00:32:53,305 --> 00:32:55,107 I'm in. This is the closest thing 647 00:32:55,174 --> 00:32:57,043 to a damn family I've ever had. 648 00:32:57,109 --> 00:32:58,977 If one needs something, we all do. 649 00:32:59,045 --> 00:33:01,713 Stop it! This is crazy. 650 00:33:01,780 --> 00:33:03,949 I'm in, too. Cleo! 651 00:33:04,016 --> 00:33:05,484 Kansas is right. 652 00:33:05,551 --> 00:33:07,953 We're like sisters, closer than sisters 653 00:33:08,020 --> 00:33:09,988 and you don't turn your back on family. 654 00:33:10,056 --> 00:33:11,457 Come on, luce. 655 00:33:11,523 --> 00:33:14,593 People do it in the movies all the time. 656 00:33:14,660 --> 00:33:15,961 And they get caught. 657 00:33:16,028 --> 00:33:18,397 That's right. So all we have to do 658 00:33:18,464 --> 00:33:21,533 is watch a bunch of movies and learn from their mistakes. 659 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,603 You know, real cops aren't half as smart as Keanu. 660 00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:26,872 Forget it. I've got a scholarship to Harvard 661 00:33:26,938 --> 00:33:28,940 hanging over my head. I won't risk it. 662 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,709 Conan went to Harvard. Shh. 663 00:33:30,776 --> 00:33:33,979 Lucy, are you sure you have that scholarship? 664 00:33:34,046 --> 00:33:35,681 No. 665 00:33:35,747 --> 00:33:38,350 If you don't, can you afford to go to Harvard? 666 00:33:38,417 --> 00:33:40,186 I don't know, probably not. 667 00:33:40,252 --> 00:33:42,054 So then this isn't crazy, is it? 668 00:33:42,121 --> 00:33:44,923 It's a sure bet. 669 00:33:44,990 --> 00:33:46,158 Well... 670 00:33:46,225 --> 00:33:47,293 Come on! Come on! 671 00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:48,660 Come on! Please? 672 00:33:48,727 --> 00:33:50,996 I guess we're all in this together. 673 00:33:51,063 --> 00:33:52,331 But...but! 674 00:33:52,398 --> 00:33:55,033 We have to make a smart plan. 675 00:33:55,101 --> 00:33:57,703 Of course. Of course. Ok, hands in. 676 00:33:59,071 --> 00:34:01,640 Alright. we have to cross our hearts, 677 00:34:01,707 --> 00:34:02,641 hope to die, 678 00:34:02,708 --> 00:34:04,543 stick a dirty needle in our eye, 679 00:34:04,610 --> 00:34:08,347 that we will never, ever, tell Jack. 680 00:34:08,414 --> 00:34:10,649 We all know he can't tell a lie. 681 00:34:10,716 --> 00:34:14,353 That's why he's gonna make such a great senator. 682 00:34:14,420 --> 00:34:16,255 Cheerleaders kick... 683 00:34:24,730 --> 00:34:26,598 Conan: we have 2 very cool guests, 684 00:34:26,665 --> 00:34:29,268 I'm gonna start with something I read in the paper. 685 00:34:29,335 --> 00:34:31,970 It involves sex. You hear me? 686 00:34:33,972 --> 00:34:35,441 Yeah. yeah. 687 00:34:35,507 --> 00:34:37,943 Yeah, don't worry. Not with me. Ha ha ha. 688 00:34:38,009 --> 00:34:39,545 Ha ha ha. 689 00:34:39,611 --> 00:34:42,814 * I don't wanna be a boy, i wanna be a girl * 690 00:34:42,881 --> 00:34:45,884 * I wanna do things that'll make your hair curl * 691 00:34:45,951 --> 00:34:49,221 * I wanna be evil, i wanna be bad * 692 00:34:49,288 --> 00:34:52,224 * I wanna drive my next-door neighbors mad * 693 00:34:52,291 --> 00:34:55,394 * I want to go wild, want to go wild * 694 00:34:55,461 --> 00:34:57,062 * I want to party * 695 00:34:57,129 --> 00:34:58,397 * yeah * 696 00:34:58,464 --> 00:35:00,399 * 'cause we've got girl power * 697 00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:03,602 The movie was so amazing. 698 00:35:03,669 --> 00:35:05,537 He slices off the guy's ear, 699 00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:07,606 and you see everything. The bloody pink hole-- 700 00:35:07,673 --> 00:35:09,475 Cleo, I already threw up twice today. 701 00:35:09,541 --> 00:35:12,110 Can you get to any relevant part of the movie? 702 00:35:12,178 --> 00:35:14,846 They had nicknames, like Mr. pink. 703 00:35:14,913 --> 00:35:17,316 I was thinking, di, you could be Mrs. pink. 704 00:35:17,383 --> 00:35:18,950 Could I be Mrs. purple? 705 00:35:19,017 --> 00:35:20,752 And I could be Mrs. red 706 00:35:20,819 --> 00:35:22,154 this is so exciting. 707 00:35:22,221 --> 00:35:24,190 Kansas: di, how can you eat all that? 708 00:35:24,256 --> 00:35:26,358 Cleo and Hannah: She's eating for two. 709 00:35:26,425 --> 00:35:27,759 Jinx. 710 00:35:27,826 --> 00:35:29,027 Ahem. 711 00:35:29,094 --> 00:35:31,863 Page one is a plot summary of heat. 712 00:35:31,930 --> 00:35:33,332 2 has my character summaries, 713 00:35:33,399 --> 00:35:35,301 3 is my overall critique, 714 00:35:35,367 --> 00:35:38,003 and on 4 through 10 you'll find my nexis search 715 00:35:38,069 --> 00:35:40,071 of all prior analysis of this film. 716 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:41,307 In summation, 717 00:35:41,373 --> 00:35:43,141 no part of heat is really applicable 718 00:35:43,209 --> 00:35:44,876 to a grocery store bank branch robbery. 719 00:35:44,943 --> 00:35:47,779 Jack: what the heck is going on here? 720 00:35:47,846 --> 00:35:50,015 Mmm. Jack. I can explain. 721 00:35:50,081 --> 00:35:52,284 Diane, there's no excuse... 722 00:35:52,351 --> 00:35:54,620 For not taking your prenatal vitamins. 723 00:35:55,854 --> 00:35:56,855 I love you. 724 00:35:56,922 --> 00:35:58,724 I love you. 725 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,995 Uh....cleo? 726 00:36:04,062 --> 00:36:05,397 Mm-hmm? 727 00:36:06,265 --> 00:36:07,866 Would you just say my name? 728 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:09,868 Ted. 729 00:36:11,337 --> 00:36:13,772 Well, it's a laugh riot for the whole family, 730 00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:16,608 and Tim Conway is just about as funny as they come, 731 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:18,076 especially in the scene where-- 732 00:36:18,143 --> 00:36:19,911 wait a minute. 733 00:36:19,978 --> 00:36:22,614 You watched the apple friggin' dumpling gang? 734 00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:24,916 I'm only allowed "g" movies. 735 00:36:24,983 --> 00:36:27,819 Am I the only one who cares about this? 736 00:36:27,886 --> 00:36:30,289 I mean, at least I watched dog day afternoon. 737 00:36:30,356 --> 00:36:31,890 Man: excuse me. 738 00:36:31,957 --> 00:36:34,360 Could you try to keep your voice down, please? 739 00:36:34,426 --> 00:36:36,061 We're not introducing anger into the womb. 740 00:36:36,127 --> 00:36:40,866 How would you like me to introduce my foot into your ass?! 741 00:36:40,932 --> 00:36:41,967 Kansas! 742 00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:43,302 I'm sorry, Diane... 743 00:36:43,369 --> 00:36:45,337 But I'm not gonna watch my dreams fade away 744 00:36:45,404 --> 00:36:48,740 because the virgin here thinks she can get ideas from kiddie movies. 745 00:36:48,807 --> 00:36:50,709 Those of us who have parents 746 00:36:50,776 --> 00:36:53,512 know they have rules because they care. 747 00:36:53,579 --> 00:36:54,713 Ooh. 748 00:36:56,648 --> 00:36:58,684 Are you sure you wanna go there? 749 00:36:58,750 --> 00:37:00,319 Um... 750 00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:02,388 Maybe. 751 00:37:03,989 --> 00:37:05,056 Ow! 752 00:37:05,123 --> 00:37:06,258 Diane: you guys! 753 00:37:09,328 --> 00:37:10,729 How do you like that? 754 00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:11,963 Diane Weston? 755 00:37:12,030 --> 00:37:13,131 Kansas, quit it! 756 00:37:13,198 --> 00:37:14,165 Kansas: ow! 757 00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:15,401 Here. 758 00:37:19,838 --> 00:37:21,773 God, we're sorry. 759 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,675 It's off. 760 00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:25,477 I can't take the fighting, 761 00:37:25,544 --> 00:37:27,479 the backstabbing, the open hostility. 762 00:37:27,546 --> 00:37:29,815 We're not acting like cheerleaders. 763 00:37:29,881 --> 00:37:33,419 We're acting like a bunch of sorority girls. 764 00:37:35,186 --> 00:37:38,357 I'm sorry i ever started this. 765 00:37:38,424 --> 00:37:39,625 Di, it's not your fault. 766 00:37:39,691 --> 00:37:41,360 We all wanted to do this. 767 00:37:41,427 --> 00:37:42,694 Look... 768 00:37:42,761 --> 00:37:45,364 Maybe I can watch a pg movie. 769 00:37:45,431 --> 00:37:47,232 I'll just say I'm... 770 00:37:47,299 --> 00:37:50,168 Counting dirty words for Sunday school. 771 00:37:50,235 --> 00:37:52,471 It's ok, Hannah. 772 00:37:52,538 --> 00:37:54,506 It was silly to think we can learn 773 00:37:54,573 --> 00:37:56,375 to Rob a bank from watching movies. 774 00:37:56,442 --> 00:37:58,209 Sex, you can learn from movies. 775 00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:00,879 But robberies? Forget about it. 776 00:38:00,946 --> 00:38:04,750 Besides, TV land had a little houseon the prairie marathon, 777 00:38:04,816 --> 00:38:07,719 and the Ingalls made baby Carrie's bed from a dresser drawer. 778 00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:10,789 I guess i could just do that. 779 00:38:10,856 --> 00:38:13,158 Oh, my god! 780 00:38:13,224 --> 00:38:15,193 The baby's got 2 heads. 781 00:38:15,260 --> 00:38:16,227 It's twins! 782 00:38:18,464 --> 00:38:20,732 I'm not just super fat! 783 00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:22,601 Oh, ok, we ain't done with this. 784 00:38:22,668 --> 00:38:25,036 Those babies are gonna have a good start in life. 785 00:38:25,103 --> 00:38:27,473 With a real crib-- one that costs a truckload. 786 00:38:27,539 --> 00:38:28,840 We gonna learn to Rob 787 00:38:28,907 --> 00:38:31,309 by the only people who really know how to-- 788 00:38:31,377 --> 00:38:32,711 criminals. 789 00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:38,283 I'm gonna visit my mom. 790 00:38:39,618 --> 00:38:41,753 Woman on P.A.: Attention all inmates, 791 00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:44,322 visiting hours will be over in 20 minutes. 792 00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:52,330 You don't look nothing like your picture. 793 00:38:52,398 --> 00:38:54,933 Grandma and grandpa sent you a picture 794 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,668 of a neighbor girl. 795 00:38:56,735 --> 00:39:00,238 They didn't want you to break out and come kidnap me. 796 00:39:00,305 --> 00:39:01,940 Thank god. 797 00:39:02,007 --> 00:39:04,810 I was starting to think i killed the wrong man. 798 00:39:07,078 --> 00:39:08,480 What did you come here for? 799 00:39:08,547 --> 00:39:10,582 To tell me how much you hate me? 800 00:39:10,649 --> 00:39:12,451 I don't hate you. 801 00:39:12,518 --> 00:39:14,486 I need your help. 802 00:39:15,554 --> 00:39:18,424 How in the hell can I help you? 803 00:39:18,490 --> 00:39:20,492 My best friend got pregnant. 804 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,762 Before you? 805 00:39:23,829 --> 00:39:24,996 Whoo-hoo. 806 00:39:25,063 --> 00:39:28,800 Yeah, I know. That's what I said, too. 807 00:39:28,867 --> 00:39:32,103 Anyway, we wanna help her get some money for the baby 808 00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:33,639 by robbing a bank. 809 00:39:34,506 --> 00:39:36,341 Well, shootfire, Kansas. 810 00:39:36,408 --> 00:39:38,610 That's the sweetest thing i ever heard. 811 00:39:38,677 --> 00:39:42,914 But we can't quite figure out how to... You know, how to do it. 812 00:39:42,981 --> 00:39:45,250 So you need my help? 813 00:39:45,316 --> 00:39:49,154 Oh, my god. This is like you asking me for help with your homework. 814 00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:55,126 Hey, mink. 815 00:39:55,193 --> 00:39:57,463 Come here. 816 00:39:58,964 --> 00:40:02,801 Kansas, I want you to meet someone special. 817 00:40:05,471 --> 00:40:07,305 Cryin' out loud, mom. 818 00:40:07,372 --> 00:40:10,275 Like my life ain't bad enough 'cause you're in here. 819 00:40:10,341 --> 00:40:13,445 Now I've gotta add "p.S. My mom's a gay," too? 820 00:40:13,512 --> 00:40:16,147 Shut up, you mouthy little twit. 821 00:40:16,214 --> 00:40:18,249 Don't "mouthy twit" me. I'm outta here. 822 00:40:18,316 --> 00:40:20,385 Hey, wait. Sit down. 823 00:40:20,452 --> 00:40:22,353 Now, I'm sorry. 824 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:24,422 Mama's a little overamped... 825 00:40:24,490 --> 00:40:27,526 Didn't get her yard time this morning. 826 00:40:27,593 --> 00:40:30,629 Mink ain't my bitch, if that's what you think. 827 00:40:31,763 --> 00:40:34,533 She's a specialist... 828 00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,502 In banks. 829 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,282 Them's some sweet skirts you got there. 830 00:40:51,349 --> 00:40:52,884 Oh, thank you! 831 00:40:52,951 --> 00:40:54,553 Actually, they're uniforms. 832 00:40:54,620 --> 00:40:56,454 We're cheerleaders. 833 00:40:56,522 --> 00:40:58,423 Mm-hmm. 834 00:40:58,490 --> 00:41:00,592 You sure are. 835 00:41:01,593 --> 00:41:02,861 Excuse me. 836 00:41:04,329 --> 00:41:05,631 Alright, same time tomorrow, 837 00:41:05,697 --> 00:41:08,066 we have a visit with our favorite aunts. 838 00:41:10,702 --> 00:41:13,905 Listen, robbing banks is like pulling a trick. 839 00:41:13,972 --> 00:41:15,574 You gotta stay in control, 840 00:41:15,641 --> 00:41:17,809 know how far you'll go to get the dough, 841 00:41:17,876 --> 00:41:21,412 and always put the rubber on yourself. 842 00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:23,281 Oh, pfft! You know what I mean. 843 00:41:23,348 --> 00:41:25,951 And you gotta do it the day after Christmas. 844 00:41:26,017 --> 00:41:27,218 Why? 845 00:41:27,285 --> 00:41:29,921 Banks don't have holiday pickups, so vaults are full. 846 00:41:29,988 --> 00:41:32,323 Besides, everyone's at home eatin' leftovers 847 00:41:32,390 --> 00:41:33,659 and beatin' their kids. 848 00:41:33,725 --> 00:41:36,427 Really? you were cellmates with her? 849 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,730 Oh, my god. She was my hero! 850 00:41:38,797 --> 00:41:40,999 Did she tell you what letterman's house was like? 851 00:41:41,066 --> 00:41:43,602 You gotta buy your gats from the Terminator. 852 00:41:43,669 --> 00:41:45,203 Tell him itchy sent you. 853 00:41:45,270 --> 00:41:46,371 And gats are? 854 00:41:46,437 --> 00:41:48,640 Guns, cutie. 855 00:41:48,707 --> 00:41:50,776 You listen to Carol, pussycat. 856 00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:52,744 Go rent national velvet. 857 00:41:52,811 --> 00:41:56,247 It's got some awesome steeplechases in it. 858 00:41:56,314 --> 00:41:57,549 I'm gonna write that down. 859 00:41:57,616 --> 00:41:59,651 So, although their father said, 860 00:41:59,718 --> 00:42:00,886 "don't get outta the car 861 00:42:00,952 --> 00:42:02,387 till I get back with help," 862 00:42:02,453 --> 00:42:04,690 they knew the sheriff's voice when he yelled, 863 00:42:04,756 --> 00:42:08,059 "run to my voice! And don't look back!" 864 00:42:08,126 --> 00:42:09,695 The twins did as he said, 865 00:42:09,761 --> 00:42:11,362 but at the very last second, 866 00:42:11,429 --> 00:42:14,265 they turned around and saw the escaped mental patient 867 00:42:14,332 --> 00:42:18,003 bouncing their father's head on top of the car. 868 00:42:18,069 --> 00:42:19,170 Aah! 869 00:42:19,237 --> 00:42:20,438 They jumped! 870 00:42:20,505 --> 00:42:22,440 That's just gas, sweetie. 871 00:42:22,507 --> 00:42:24,509 Oh... 872 00:42:24,576 --> 00:42:25,811 What are you working on? 873 00:42:25,877 --> 00:42:30,081 Just some girly stuff for the squad. 874 00:42:33,084 --> 00:42:34,185 Bzzz! 875 00:42:47,098 --> 00:42:48,700 Well, whoever gets out alive, 876 00:42:48,767 --> 00:42:51,837 have the authorities check in the crawl space. 877 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,240 Kansas, you should never judge a book by its cover. 878 00:42:59,110 --> 00:43:01,713 Diane: I guess there's an exception to every rule. 879 00:43:02,648 --> 00:43:04,215 Could I help you? 880 00:43:04,282 --> 00:43:06,017 You're the Terminator? 881 00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:09,354 Did you come in here to bust my balls? 882 00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:10,588 Huh? 883 00:43:10,656 --> 00:43:12,758 Well, I kill bugs for a living. 884 00:43:12,824 --> 00:43:14,626 If god doesn't beat you to it. 885 00:43:14,693 --> 00:43:16,127 No, wait, um... 886 00:43:16,194 --> 00:43:18,396 We're the "a" squad from Lincoln high school. 887 00:43:18,463 --> 00:43:19,698 So, uh... 888 00:43:19,765 --> 00:43:22,533 So, we were told you could fix us up. 889 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,170 Fix you up? 890 00:43:25,236 --> 00:43:26,237 Really? 891 00:43:26,304 --> 00:43:28,774 Yeah. itchy sent us. 892 00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:30,408 She did, did she? 893 00:43:30,475 --> 00:43:32,043 How is the old girl? 894 00:43:32,110 --> 00:43:34,512 Definitely old. 895 00:43:34,579 --> 00:43:37,548 Ha ha ha! Yeah, that's my itchy. 896 00:43:40,485 --> 00:43:41,452 How many? 897 00:43:41,519 --> 00:43:42,954 Uh... 898 00:43:43,021 --> 00:43:45,623 Um, well, we'll each probably want one, so... 899 00:43:45,691 --> 00:43:47,625 we'll take 5. 900 00:43:47,693 --> 00:43:49,594 5 should do it. All right. 901 00:43:49,661 --> 00:43:51,930 And, uh, how much ammo do you want? 902 00:43:51,997 --> 00:43:53,298 Ammo? 903 00:43:53,364 --> 00:43:55,266 How many bullets do you need? 904 00:43:56,167 --> 00:43:58,169 Oh, bullets. 905 00:43:58,236 --> 00:43:59,170 No bullets. 906 00:43:59,237 --> 00:44:01,039 These are just to scare people. 907 00:44:01,106 --> 00:44:03,474 Kinda like a round-off back handspring whipback double full. 908 00:44:03,541 --> 00:44:05,243 You never really use it. 909 00:44:05,310 --> 00:44:08,646 You just want the opposing squad to know you've got it. 910 00:44:08,714 --> 00:44:10,415 Ok. 911 00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:11,582 $1,500 cash. 912 00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:12,818 What? 913 00:44:12,884 --> 00:44:16,287 You good-for-nothing bug zapper! 914 00:44:16,354 --> 00:44:19,157 Obviously that's a little more than our budget will allow. 915 00:44:19,224 --> 00:44:23,762 Um, basically, we're looking for something around $200. 916 00:44:23,829 --> 00:44:28,166 Oh, well, why didn't you say so? 917 00:44:28,233 --> 00:44:32,037 For 200, I got some real nice rubber bands 918 00:44:32,103 --> 00:44:33,905 and some sharp nails in the back. 919 00:44:33,972 --> 00:44:36,341 I got 5 of them. They come in pastel colors. 920 00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:40,746 Why don't you wait right there and let me go gift-wrap it for you. 921 00:44:43,915 --> 00:44:46,517 They are 1,500, cash on the barrel. 922 00:44:46,584 --> 00:44:49,654 You take it or you leave it. 923 00:44:49,721 --> 00:44:53,158 What kinda deal would ya make if i told we're gonna tell police 924 00:44:53,224 --> 00:44:56,862 that you're selling illegal guns... To minors? 925 00:44:56,928 --> 00:44:58,329 To girl minors! 926 00:44:58,396 --> 00:45:00,932 Then I'd just have to kill you. 927 00:45:02,233 --> 00:45:04,035 Ok, well... 928 00:45:04,102 --> 00:45:06,071 It was a pleasure meeting you. 929 00:45:06,137 --> 00:45:07,873 Take care. 930 00:45:07,939 --> 00:45:09,240 Let's go, you guys. 931 00:45:09,307 --> 00:45:10,475 Hold it right there. 932 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:11,642 Oh, please. 933 00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:13,378 We're not going to tell anyone. 934 00:45:13,444 --> 00:45:15,146 Maybe we can make a deal. 935 00:45:15,213 --> 00:45:16,347 Look, buddy, 936 00:45:16,414 --> 00:45:19,550 we're not gonna trade sex for guns. 937 00:45:19,617 --> 00:45:21,386 Unless Cleo... 938 00:45:21,452 --> 00:45:22,520 Kansas! 939 00:45:22,587 --> 00:45:23,955 I got a daughter. 940 00:45:24,022 --> 00:45:27,525 And she's always dreamt of being a cheerleader. 941 00:45:27,592 --> 00:45:28,760 Aw. 942 00:45:28,827 --> 00:45:30,061 Tell you what I'll do. 943 00:45:30,128 --> 00:45:32,063 If you put her on your squad, 944 00:45:32,130 --> 00:45:34,199 and I mean put her on the squad-- 945 00:45:34,265 --> 00:45:35,867 don't make her haul your pompoms-- 946 00:45:35,934 --> 00:45:38,269 you give her something to do. 947 00:45:38,336 --> 00:45:40,371 Then I'll give you the guns. 948 00:45:41,472 --> 00:45:42,974 You're kidding. 949 00:45:46,411 --> 00:45:47,745 Hey, fern! 950 00:45:47,813 --> 00:45:49,247 Fern, come here! 951 00:45:49,314 --> 00:45:50,982 She's out siphoning off the tanks. 952 00:45:51,049 --> 00:45:53,618 It takes a second to cap off that cyanide hose. 953 00:45:53,684 --> 00:45:54,652 Honey? 954 00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:56,721 There she is. 955 00:45:56,788 --> 00:45:59,190 Here's my baby. 956 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:01,526 Fern, meet your new best friends. 957 00:46:04,629 --> 00:46:06,764 We'll be right back. 958 00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:11,269 Don't you take too long. 959 00:46:11,336 --> 00:46:14,005 Let's do breathing exercises, shall we? 960 00:46:15,874 --> 00:46:17,976 Is Jack upset that he can't be here? 961 00:46:18,043 --> 00:46:19,610 We worked it out. 962 00:46:23,348 --> 00:46:24,749 You're doing good, sweetie. 963 00:46:24,816 --> 00:46:26,551 Let's remember our focal point. 964 00:46:28,820 --> 00:46:32,190 Ok, don't stop now. Come on, we're gonna make it, baby. 965 00:46:34,692 --> 00:46:36,995 What a sad waste of man. 966 00:46:37,062 --> 00:46:39,998 Ok, even with all our savings, 967 00:46:40,065 --> 00:46:41,699 it's still only 654. 968 00:46:41,766 --> 00:46:43,334 That's it? 969 00:46:43,401 --> 00:46:45,971 Hey, I even took my parents' foster kid money. 970 00:46:46,037 --> 00:46:47,805 Philippe's going to be gathering rice 971 00:46:47,873 --> 00:46:49,908 without pants this month. 972 00:46:49,975 --> 00:46:52,410 Ok, wait a second. Hold on. 973 00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:54,679 Now, what do we do before a big game? 974 00:46:54,745 --> 00:46:57,415 Use the bathroom 'cause the port-a-potties on the field 975 00:46:57,482 --> 00:46:58,583 are gross. 976 00:46:59,951 --> 00:47:02,153 My fault. What do we do that enables us 977 00:47:02,220 --> 00:47:03,788 to be as great as we are? 978 00:47:03,855 --> 00:47:07,258 I personally think of how conan started as a writer, and then-- 979 00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:08,293 we practice. 980 00:47:08,359 --> 00:47:10,896 That's right. Practice makes perfect. 981 00:47:10,962 --> 00:47:12,964 I'm practicing to have a baby right now. 982 00:47:13,031 --> 00:47:14,632 If we do a practice job, 983 00:47:14,699 --> 00:47:16,334 we'll not only get the experience, 984 00:47:16,401 --> 00:47:18,769 we'll also get money we need for the guns. 985 00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:20,105 I've got the perfect job, 986 00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:23,508 and I've gotta pee, so help me up. 987 00:47:25,276 --> 00:47:28,179 Hello. how many would you like? 988 00:47:28,246 --> 00:47:29,414 7. 989 00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,368 Hi. 990 00:47:50,435 --> 00:47:51,702 Hello. how many? 991 00:47:51,769 --> 00:47:53,404 2, please. 992 00:47:56,807 --> 00:47:58,109 Oops! 993 00:48:02,981 --> 00:48:04,149 Oh! 994 00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:07,585 Oh, please, help me with her! 995 00:48:32,043 --> 00:48:34,045 What the kinda food are they serving us 996 00:48:34,112 --> 00:48:37,615 if they can turn a profit on 200 bucks? 997 00:48:40,851 --> 00:48:42,220 * watch her now * 998 00:48:42,287 --> 00:48:43,654 * watch her now * 999 00:48:43,721 --> 00:48:45,090 * walking away * 1000 00:48:45,156 --> 00:48:46,591 * walking away * 1001 00:48:46,657 --> 00:48:48,793 * nothing to say * 1002 00:48:48,859 --> 00:48:51,296 * she's just leaving * 1003 00:48:53,198 --> 00:48:54,932 * what did I do? * 1004 00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:56,167 oh! 1005 00:48:57,802 --> 00:48:59,537 Uh, fern? Yeah? 1006 00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:02,873 No more filling the tanks before practice, ok? 1007 00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:04,109 Ok. 1008 00:49:11,382 --> 00:49:13,384 Kansas: ok, let's get going. 1009 00:49:13,451 --> 00:49:16,054 My grandparents get back from dinner at 4:30. 1010 00:49:20,358 --> 00:49:21,126 Ready? 1011 00:49:21,192 --> 00:49:22,660 Everybody: ok! 1012 00:49:23,728 --> 00:49:24,996 Kansas: what the hell-- 1013 00:49:25,063 --> 00:49:26,897 oh, no! 1014 00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:28,033 He Ikea'd us. 1015 00:49:28,099 --> 00:49:29,834 How many signs do we need? 1016 00:49:29,900 --> 00:49:31,602 We're not supposed to do this. 1017 00:49:31,669 --> 00:49:34,505 Look, maybe Lucy is right. Maybe this is a sign. 1018 00:49:34,572 --> 00:49:36,407 Woman: Kansas? 1019 00:49:37,708 --> 00:49:39,044 That you down there? 1020 00:49:39,110 --> 00:49:41,046 Yeah, grandma. Me and the squad. 1021 00:49:41,112 --> 00:49:43,214 You girls talking about boys? 1022 00:49:43,281 --> 00:49:45,050 Practicing kissing your hand? 1023 00:49:47,085 --> 00:49:48,453 Yeah, you caught us. 1024 00:49:48,519 --> 00:49:50,288 Oh, well, then I'll put some cookies 1025 00:49:50,355 --> 00:49:52,723 at the top of the stairs for you girls. 1026 00:49:52,790 --> 00:49:54,192 Thanks, that'd be great. 1027 00:49:58,196 --> 00:50:00,031 This is great. What do we do? 1028 00:50:00,098 --> 00:50:02,667 Threaten people with a trunkful of parts? 1029 00:50:02,733 --> 00:50:04,135 I'm sorry, you guys. 1030 00:50:04,202 --> 00:50:06,137 When you're dealing with south American rebels, 1031 00:50:06,204 --> 00:50:08,173 you kinda gotta take what you can get. 1032 00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:09,840 It's a trunkful of crap. 1033 00:50:09,907 --> 00:50:12,477 Do you guys know what I don't see here? 1034 00:50:12,543 --> 00:50:13,644 What? 1035 00:50:13,711 --> 00:50:14,912 I don't see a problem. 1036 00:50:14,979 --> 00:50:17,382 I see a great, big craft project 1037 00:50:17,448 --> 00:50:19,550 sitting right in front of me. 1038 00:50:19,617 --> 00:50:22,787 So, Kansas, get me some glue, 1039 00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:25,156 some tape, and a nail file. 1040 00:50:30,261 --> 00:50:33,264 * so it's you * 1041 00:50:33,331 --> 00:50:35,666 * at my door * 1042 00:50:37,202 --> 00:50:39,070 * she is huge * 1043 00:50:40,538 --> 00:50:44,775 * she wore a taller man's height or more * 1044 00:50:45,843 --> 00:50:49,480 * if it fails me * 1045 00:50:49,547 --> 00:50:51,382 * then it's love for sure * 1046 00:50:51,449 --> 00:50:54,719 * 'cause I'm here * 1047 00:50:54,785 --> 00:50:58,656 * 'cause I wanna be, and I gotta be * 1048 00:50:58,723 --> 00:51:02,293 * and I'll stay * 1049 00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:06,397 * 'cause I wanna stay every day with you * 1050 00:51:11,769 --> 00:51:14,305 * she's so cool * 1051 00:51:14,372 --> 00:51:20,478 * she's so cool * 1052 00:51:20,545 --> 00:51:24,048 Lisa: meanwhile, the most important event of my life 1053 00:51:24,115 --> 00:51:25,450 was about to take place. 1054 00:51:25,516 --> 00:51:28,486 Please join our "a" and "b" squad cheerleaders 1055 00:51:28,553 --> 00:51:30,788 in a salute to winter sports! 1056 00:51:39,997 --> 00:51:42,567 Lisa: the winter sports pep rally is only, like, 1057 00:51:42,633 --> 00:51:46,371 the biggest cheerleading event of the year. 1058 00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:49,307 I'd been practicing for months. 1059 00:51:49,374 --> 00:51:51,842 This was my big chance to show the whole school 1060 00:51:51,909 --> 00:51:55,880 that I really belonged on the "a" squad. 1061 00:52:09,660 --> 00:52:11,862 Lisa: I just want to say, that normally, 1062 00:52:11,929 --> 00:52:13,398 I'm an excellent skater. 1063 00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:17,134 Some jealous-- who will remain nameless, 1064 00:52:17,202 --> 00:52:19,069 obviously sabotaged my skates. 1065 00:52:20,271 --> 00:52:21,506 I was completely humiliated 1066 00:52:21,572 --> 00:52:23,808 in front of the entire student body. 1067 00:52:25,476 --> 00:52:27,612 Talk about adding insult to injury... 1068 00:52:27,678 --> 00:52:30,248 At the last minute, Diane finagled putting 1069 00:52:30,315 --> 00:52:33,751 that backwater, mutant monkey girl on top of the pyramid! 1070 00:52:35,820 --> 00:52:37,388 No way! 1071 00:52:37,455 --> 00:52:39,990 It ruined the entire finale. 1072 00:52:40,057 --> 00:52:41,659 Ask anybody! 1073 00:52:51,669 --> 00:52:54,539 Conan o'brien... 1074 00:52:55,740 --> 00:52:57,675 Conan o'brien... 1075 00:52:59,344 --> 00:53:01,579 Conan o'brien. Conan o'brien... 1076 00:53:01,646 --> 00:53:03,514 Come on, Cleo. We're not gonna waste 1077 00:53:03,581 --> 00:53:06,116 this week's question to the netherworld on conan. 1078 00:53:06,183 --> 00:53:08,686 Who made up the one-question-a-week rule anyway? 1079 00:53:08,753 --> 00:53:11,155 Kansas: it's in the Bible, so just shut up. 1080 00:53:11,222 --> 00:53:13,858 Ok, ok. Here goes... 1081 00:53:13,924 --> 00:53:15,926 Is the day after Christmas 1082 00:53:15,993 --> 00:53:18,195 the best day for the heist? 1083 00:53:18,263 --> 00:53:20,431 Ah...yes! 1084 00:53:20,498 --> 00:53:23,468 Girls, numerology confirms it, too. Look! 1085 00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:25,035 So does soldier of fortune. 1086 00:53:25,102 --> 00:53:28,473 "A great day to go balls out on the offensive." 1087 00:53:28,539 --> 00:53:30,641 Then it's time for my mom's present. 1088 00:53:32,810 --> 00:53:36,647 "Be careful. Have fun. Ski masks are so done. 1089 00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:38,516 "Wear these masks to fight the power 1090 00:53:38,583 --> 00:53:41,519 and never bend over in the shower." 1091 00:53:41,586 --> 00:53:43,488 Hey, Diane, you can be mood-swing Betty. 1092 00:53:43,554 --> 00:53:44,689 Hannah, you're virgin Betty 1093 00:53:44,755 --> 00:53:46,357 with optional horse and saddle. 1094 00:53:47,525 --> 00:53:49,960 And, fern, you can be-- 1095 00:53:50,027 --> 00:53:52,062 oh, god, we forgot fern. 1096 00:53:52,129 --> 00:53:53,431 Oh, it's ok. 1097 00:53:53,498 --> 00:53:55,866 Mom and the girls got them for the heist. 1098 00:53:55,933 --> 00:53:57,268 It's nothing personal. 1099 00:53:57,335 --> 00:54:00,104 Hey, I got to cheer with you guys. 1100 00:54:00,170 --> 00:54:03,107 I'm happier than a make-a-wish kid at Disneyland. 1101 00:54:03,173 --> 00:54:05,610 Well, we'll all sign your yearbook. 1102 00:54:08,846 --> 00:54:10,348 Here, take mine. 1103 00:54:11,616 --> 00:54:14,084 Look, I didn't know how to tell you guys, 1104 00:54:14,151 --> 00:54:16,654 but I got my scholarship. 1105 00:54:17,588 --> 00:54:19,290 I can't go through with this. 1106 00:54:19,357 --> 00:54:21,392 But we went hands in on this. 1107 00:54:21,459 --> 00:54:23,828 You're breaking the national high school cheerleading association's 1108 00:54:23,894 --> 00:54:25,796 pledge of allegiance and conformity. 1109 00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:29,800 I'll turn in my pompoms after Christmas. 1110 00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:32,303 You know, you guys are insane if you don't think 1111 00:54:32,370 --> 00:54:35,806 those criminals would gladly turn you in for a pack of lucky's. 1112 00:54:35,873 --> 00:54:38,108 Oh, yeah! Well, unlike you, those criminals 1113 00:54:38,175 --> 00:54:40,345 take an oath, and they stick with it. 1114 00:54:40,411 --> 00:54:41,779 You don't mess with another inmate, 1115 00:54:41,846 --> 00:54:44,014 and you never mess with her kid. 1116 00:54:44,982 --> 00:54:46,717 I'm sorry, Diane. 1117 00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,994 I could take Lucy's place. 1118 00:54:58,429 --> 00:55:00,331 You can be Terminator Betty. 1119 00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:04,469 Fight the power! 1120 00:55:07,505 --> 00:55:10,975 * merry, merry Christmas * 1121 00:55:14,579 --> 00:55:17,748 * merry Christmas * 1122 00:55:17,815 --> 00:55:20,951 * merry, merry Christmas * 1123 00:55:24,288 --> 00:55:26,724 both: 1, 2, 3! 1124 00:55:29,727 --> 00:55:30,828 Oh, god! 1125 00:55:35,132 --> 00:55:36,467 Oh, honey... 1126 00:55:36,534 --> 00:55:38,469 Next Christmas, 1127 00:55:38,536 --> 00:55:40,204 I'm putting a diamond in it. 1128 00:55:40,270 --> 00:55:43,273 I don't know what to say. 1129 00:55:43,340 --> 00:55:45,109 Well, say you love me. 1130 00:55:46,243 --> 00:55:47,478 I love you. 1131 00:55:47,545 --> 00:55:49,046 I love you, too. 1132 00:55:58,255 --> 00:55:59,790 Oh, god, here's mine. 1133 00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:01,726 It's lame. It's not romantic or anything. 1134 00:56:01,792 --> 00:56:04,762 No, no, no, shh. I'm gonna love it. 1135 00:56:06,497 --> 00:56:08,332 Ah! a gift certificate... 1136 00:56:08,399 --> 00:56:11,536 For a new paint job on the gto. 1137 00:56:11,602 --> 00:56:13,370 Yeah, I was thinking that you'd wanna 1138 00:56:13,438 --> 00:56:15,606 change the color after Christmas. 1139 00:56:16,941 --> 00:56:17,908 Wow. 1140 00:56:17,975 --> 00:56:18,843 You like it? 1141 00:56:18,909 --> 00:56:23,781 I sold the car to buy you that ring. 1142 00:56:25,650 --> 00:56:26,817 You're kidding? 1143 00:56:26,884 --> 00:56:29,019 No! heh heh. 1144 00:56:29,086 --> 00:56:30,555 We don't have a car. 1145 00:56:32,122 --> 00:56:33,791 No. 1146 00:56:33,858 --> 00:56:36,326 Oh! oh, sweetie. 1147 00:56:36,393 --> 00:56:37,795 Sweetie... 1148 00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,503 Kansas, listen to me. 1149 00:56:45,570 --> 00:56:47,538 Jack sold our getaway car. 1150 00:56:47,605 --> 00:56:49,774 It's a gosh damn gift of the magi thing. 1151 00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:52,142 Oops, mommy's sorry, sweet peas. 1152 00:56:52,209 --> 00:56:54,278 Swearing is the surest way to-- 1153 00:56:54,344 --> 00:56:56,647 oh, shoot! 1154 00:56:56,714 --> 00:56:58,849 Mommy needs a getaway car. 1155 00:57:10,828 --> 00:57:11,796 Jump in! 1156 00:57:11,862 --> 00:57:12,630 We can't stop! 1157 00:57:12,697 --> 00:57:14,532 Both: the brakes are bad! 1158 00:57:15,633 --> 00:57:16,701 Come on, Kansas, hurry! 1159 00:57:16,767 --> 00:57:18,536 Fern, you've got to slow down. 1160 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,771 Lord, please don't let us run over Kansas. 1161 00:57:20,838 --> 00:57:21,839 Help! 1162 00:57:21,906 --> 00:57:23,440 Get in! Quick! 1163 00:57:23,508 --> 00:57:25,776 The brakes are broken. 1164 00:57:27,478 --> 00:57:28,846 Kansas! 1165 00:57:29,580 --> 00:57:30,948 Oh, my god! 1166 00:57:49,266 --> 00:57:52,837 Hannah: uh, anyone bring an extra pair of panties? 1167 00:58:19,530 --> 00:58:23,768 * spitting in a wishing well * 1168 00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:25,936 * blown to hell, crash * 1169 00:58:26,003 --> 00:58:27,872 * on the last splash... * 1170 00:58:37,582 --> 00:58:38,816 who are you? 1171 00:58:38,883 --> 00:58:40,551 The friggin' bionic woman? 1172 00:58:40,618 --> 00:58:42,386 I just pulled it, and it came off. 1173 00:58:42,452 --> 00:58:45,690 This is great. Now we have to enter through the front door. 1174 00:58:45,756 --> 00:58:47,692 Look, it's not my fault. 1175 00:58:47,758 --> 00:58:49,794 Hey! god, rule number 1-- 1176 00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:52,129 you never take off the mask, you hear me? 1177 00:58:52,196 --> 00:58:54,899 No matter what happens, you never take off the mask. 1178 00:58:54,965 --> 00:58:57,234 I'm sorry, Kansas. 1179 00:58:57,301 --> 00:58:59,303 Oh! god, no. 1180 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:01,505 Rule number 2-- no names. 1181 00:59:01,572 --> 00:59:03,073 No names, you retard! 1182 00:59:03,140 --> 00:59:05,643 For Pete's sake, white trash Betty. 1183 00:59:05,710 --> 00:59:07,678 I didn't realize the rules went into effect 1184 00:59:07,745 --> 00:59:09,847 before we entered the supermarket. 1185 00:59:09,914 --> 00:59:11,582 Well, use your head, stalker Betty. 1186 00:59:11,649 --> 00:59:12,683 Nyah! 1187 00:59:12,750 --> 00:59:14,919 Bettys, stop it. 1188 00:59:14,985 --> 00:59:17,354 "The best squad is one that hopes for the best 1189 00:59:17,421 --> 00:59:19,657 and prepares for the worst." National high school 1190 00:59:19,724 --> 00:59:22,559 cheerleading association letterhead. 1191 00:59:22,627 --> 00:59:24,829 Now, let's give a hands in. 1192 00:59:27,632 --> 00:59:29,667 We're ready, we're prepared, 1193 00:59:29,734 --> 00:59:32,102 this is gonna be the best bank robbery ever, 1194 00:59:32,169 --> 00:59:32,937 because... 1195 00:59:33,003 --> 00:59:36,641 All: cheerleaders kick... 1196 00:59:42,246 --> 00:59:43,480 Shh! it's me. 1197 00:59:43,547 --> 00:59:44,849 Diane: Lucy? 1198 00:59:44,915 --> 00:59:46,150 Kansas: what do you want? 1199 00:59:46,216 --> 00:59:48,986 I want to help. I'm a part of this squad. 1200 00:59:49,053 --> 00:59:50,187 Oh, no. 1201 00:59:50,254 --> 00:59:52,857 You have committed the ultimate sin. 1202 00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:56,260 You left your squad to be with a guy. 1203 00:59:56,326 --> 00:59:58,528 And that guy is the devil himself, 1204 00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:03,300 because only the devil would turn you against your sisters. 1205 01:00:05,102 --> 01:00:06,804 Let's go. 1206 01:00:37,101 --> 01:00:38,068 What's this? 1207 01:00:54,885 --> 01:00:57,654 Get on the ground now! 1208 01:01:00,691 --> 01:01:02,092 We got tape. Don't worry. 1209 01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:03,694 I said down! 1210 01:01:11,401 --> 01:01:12,937 Woman: ok, uh. Hello? 1211 01:01:13,003 --> 01:01:15,439 Yeah. excuse me. Yeah, hi. 1212 01:01:15,505 --> 01:01:18,809 Umm, are you robbing the supermarket or the bank branch? 1213 01:01:18,876 --> 01:01:20,010 The bank. 1214 01:01:20,077 --> 01:01:22,612 Ok, so...Do you want everybody down 1215 01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:25,415 or just the people at the bank? 1216 01:01:25,482 --> 01:01:27,752 All of you. Bank branch. 1217 01:01:30,620 --> 01:01:32,256 All of you. Bank branch. 1218 01:01:34,158 --> 01:01:36,526 Will you shut up? I'll handle this. 1219 01:01:36,593 --> 01:01:38,095 Bank branch only! 1220 01:01:38,162 --> 01:01:40,998 Everybody else, just go on about your business. 1221 01:01:46,603 --> 01:01:48,205 Shit, this ain't working. 1222 01:01:48,272 --> 01:01:49,974 Everybody down! 1223 01:02:21,238 --> 01:02:23,774 That's an illegal dismount. 1224 01:02:34,018 --> 01:02:35,853 Thinking: oh, my god. 1225 01:02:35,920 --> 01:02:38,122 An "a" squad pompom string. 1226 01:02:38,188 --> 01:02:39,089 Ow! 1227 01:02:39,156 --> 01:02:40,724 Keep your eyes on the ground. 1228 01:02:40,791 --> 01:02:41,758 This is great. 1229 01:02:41,826 --> 01:02:43,093 How are we doing? 1230 01:02:45,229 --> 01:02:47,031 Quick. big bills, big bills. 1231 01:02:47,097 --> 01:02:50,767 Man: this here is bull dung! That's what this is. 1232 01:02:51,635 --> 01:02:53,237 I'll find you. Go on. 1233 01:02:54,771 --> 01:02:58,008 I ain't gonna let some piece of dirt Betty doll 1234 01:02:58,075 --> 01:03:00,244 tell me what to do. 1235 01:03:00,310 --> 01:03:02,579 No, sirree Bob. 1236 01:03:04,348 --> 01:03:06,283 Freeze, scumbag! 1237 01:03:06,350 --> 01:03:09,119 Don't you never use the lord's son's name in vain 1238 01:03:09,186 --> 01:03:11,388 around these parts in the U.S.A. 1239 01:03:15,525 --> 01:03:17,394 What the heck? 1240 01:03:22,566 --> 01:03:24,034 Uh, I forgot to tell you. 1241 01:03:24,101 --> 01:03:25,502 Sometimes when the rebels 1242 01:03:25,569 --> 01:03:26,971 take the gun off a corpse, 1243 01:03:27,037 --> 01:03:30,274 some live rounds get left in the clip. 1244 01:03:30,340 --> 01:03:32,042 Good to know. 1245 01:03:37,581 --> 01:03:39,516 Cheese on a cracker. 1246 01:03:41,051 --> 01:03:43,287 Alright, you guys, let's go. 1247 01:04:07,878 --> 01:04:09,679 I'm here live at the scene of today's 1248 01:04:09,746 --> 01:04:12,349 highly unusual bank robbery, speaking with an eyewitness. 1249 01:04:12,416 --> 01:04:14,384 Can you tell us what happened here today? 1250 01:04:14,451 --> 01:04:16,053 You're talking to the right person, 1251 01:04:16,120 --> 01:04:17,321 I am walking evidence. 1252 01:04:17,387 --> 01:04:19,689 One of them stepped right on my . 1253 01:04:19,756 --> 01:04:21,926 Excuse me, can you get a shot of me? 1254 01:04:21,992 --> 01:04:23,460 This is important, buddy. 1255 01:04:23,527 --> 01:04:26,030 Can you dust my for prints? It's important. 1256 01:04:26,096 --> 01:04:29,133 I can't believe you're standing there, you idiot! 1257 01:04:29,199 --> 01:04:30,434 Wait, hold on, I forgot. 1258 01:04:30,500 --> 01:04:34,238 I have this. This is really important... 1259 01:04:34,304 --> 01:04:36,140 That's nice. Thank you for your time. 1260 01:04:36,206 --> 01:04:38,208 As you can see, this crime here today 1261 01:04:38,275 --> 01:04:40,877 is affecting people very seriously. 1262 01:04:40,945 --> 01:04:42,312 If you haven't heard, today, 1263 01:04:42,379 --> 01:04:45,415 5 pregnant Betty dolls robbed the bank. 1264 01:04:46,917 --> 01:04:49,653 Can you believe this? 1265 01:04:49,719 --> 01:04:51,555 We're like celebrities. 1266 01:04:51,621 --> 01:04:53,157 Better enjoy it now. 1267 01:04:53,223 --> 01:04:55,525 Because tomorrow some little kid falls down a well, 1268 01:04:55,592 --> 01:04:58,162 and we're nothing but a distant memory. 1269 01:05:01,265 --> 01:05:03,333 Disguises incinerated. 1270 01:05:05,602 --> 01:05:07,404 Oh, bad news, di. 1271 01:05:07,471 --> 01:05:10,607 There was one thing we just couldn't fit 1272 01:05:10,674 --> 01:05:11,942 in the furnace. 1273 01:05:15,812 --> 01:05:17,747 Oh, my god. 1274 01:05:17,814 --> 01:05:19,716 Oh, you guys! 1275 01:05:19,783 --> 01:05:22,319 Thank you. Oh! 1276 01:05:23,820 --> 01:05:25,956 Can you believe we did it? 1277 01:05:26,023 --> 01:05:29,659 I mean... We did it. 1278 01:05:29,726 --> 01:05:31,628 We really did it. 1279 01:05:38,302 --> 01:05:40,304 Lisa: I guess no one could have predicted 1280 01:05:40,370 --> 01:05:42,572 the storm that was about to hit. 1281 01:05:42,639 --> 01:05:45,109 The only thing people cared about, thought about, 1282 01:05:45,175 --> 01:05:47,111 or talked about was the robbery. 1283 01:05:47,177 --> 01:05:50,280 Judging by the way the robbers practically flew up 1284 01:05:50,347 --> 01:05:52,449 to spray paint the security cameras, 1285 01:05:52,516 --> 01:05:55,652 I think it was an Asian gang. 1286 01:05:55,719 --> 01:05:57,454 Yeah. because as a people, 1287 01:05:57,521 --> 01:06:01,558 they tend to be quite tiny and very acrobatic. 1288 01:06:04,394 --> 01:06:05,962 Lisa: that's all it took. 1289 01:06:06,030 --> 01:06:08,332 Next thing you know, dim sum Charlie's 1290 01:06:08,398 --> 01:06:10,934 being hauled in for questioning. 1291 01:06:11,001 --> 01:06:15,539 From there, the town just turned into a freak show. 1292 01:06:15,605 --> 01:06:16,573 Aah! 1293 01:06:17,774 --> 01:06:18,942 Get her! 1294 01:06:19,009 --> 01:06:20,644 That's her! That's her! 1295 01:06:20,710 --> 01:06:22,346 I'll never forget that face! 1296 01:06:22,412 --> 01:06:24,814 Lisa: this thing spread faster than a canker sore 1297 01:06:24,881 --> 01:06:26,250 on the girls swim team. 1298 01:06:26,316 --> 01:06:27,917 Someone in Lincoln would say something like... 1299 01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:30,754 They were dressed like a bunch of freakin' Betty dolls, 1300 01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:32,156 for sake. 1301 01:06:32,222 --> 01:06:34,558 They had these little voices, 1302 01:06:34,624 --> 01:06:37,161 and only a bunch of damn 1303 01:06:37,227 --> 01:06:39,329 Would shoot up a union cap. 1304 01:06:39,396 --> 01:06:42,099 Lisa: all of a sudden, it's on Jerry springer. 1305 01:06:42,166 --> 01:06:44,168 This thing was definitely huge. 1306 01:06:44,234 --> 01:06:47,937 Welcome to the show. Today, we're gonna meet a number of transvestites 1307 01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:49,773 who don't just dress up as women. 1308 01:06:49,839 --> 01:06:52,842 They like to dress up as pregnant women. 1309 01:06:56,146 --> 01:06:57,847 Announcer: Eric karros... 1310 01:06:57,914 --> 01:07:00,617 Lisa: the country had come down with Betty doll fever. 1311 01:07:00,684 --> 01:07:02,886 Announcer: left drive over the left field wall, 1312 01:07:02,952 --> 01:07:04,754 into a waiting pack of Bettys. 1313 01:07:07,157 --> 01:07:08,558 Lisa: and then it finally happened-- 1314 01:07:08,625 --> 01:07:10,427 the moment I had been waiting for. 1315 01:07:10,494 --> 01:07:11,995 The little pipsqueaks in blue 1316 01:07:12,062 --> 01:07:14,698 finally followed up on my evidence. 1317 01:07:16,866 --> 01:07:18,235 Heh. 1318 01:07:20,570 --> 01:07:22,539 I'm Kurt loder with an mtv news brief. 1319 01:07:22,606 --> 01:07:24,574 Authorities now believe a group of teenage girls 1320 01:07:24,641 --> 01:07:26,743 are responsible for the Betty doll bank robbery. 1321 01:07:26,810 --> 01:07:28,812 Stay tuned for my interview with alanis morissette 1322 01:07:28,878 --> 01:07:32,416 on the negative influence of the Betty doll on young girls. 1323 01:07:37,521 --> 01:07:38,355 Hello? 1324 01:07:38,422 --> 01:07:40,490 It was Lucy. Lucy went to the cops. 1325 01:07:40,557 --> 01:07:42,626 Remember, Kansas. Every time you point a finger, 1326 01:07:42,692 --> 01:07:44,694 you have 3 more pointing back at you. 1327 01:07:44,761 --> 01:07:48,098 She's been the weak tit on this mama cat since the beginning. 1328 01:07:48,165 --> 01:07:49,333 That you? 1329 01:07:49,399 --> 01:07:50,867 Hold on. Call me later. 1330 01:07:50,934 --> 01:07:52,702 I gotta get some smokes for grandma. 1331 01:07:52,769 --> 01:07:54,070 Don't use big bills. 1332 01:07:54,138 --> 01:07:56,706 For a pack of cigs? I'll use her food stamps. 1333 01:07:57,741 --> 01:07:59,109 Hello? we're dead. 1334 01:07:59,176 --> 01:08:00,377 They showed this prison movie 1335 01:08:00,444 --> 01:08:02,312 to my youth group on Sunday. 1336 01:08:02,379 --> 01:08:04,381 Hannah-- it wasn't like the prison we saw. 1337 01:08:04,448 --> 01:08:06,116 The women had to shave their heads 1338 01:08:06,183 --> 01:08:09,253 because they got lice from the filthy lives they lived. 1339 01:08:09,319 --> 01:08:12,522 Oh, no. I'm gonna be someone's bald bitch! 1340 01:08:12,589 --> 01:08:14,791 Oops. Hold on a second. 1341 01:08:14,858 --> 01:08:16,726 Hello? di? it's luce. 1342 01:08:16,793 --> 01:08:19,696 Kansas just called and said she's gonna freak me up. 1343 01:08:19,763 --> 01:08:22,532 I heard coughing and a thud, and Kansas had to go. 1344 01:08:22,599 --> 01:08:24,934 I think her grandma had another heart attack. 1345 01:08:25,001 --> 01:08:26,636 Why does she wanna freak me up? 1346 01:08:26,703 --> 01:08:28,705 She thinks you went to the police. 1347 01:08:28,772 --> 01:08:30,039 What? that's insane. 1348 01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:31,741 Why would I go to the police? 1349 01:08:31,808 --> 01:08:33,577 Relax. Gotta get that. 1350 01:08:33,643 --> 01:08:36,246 I'll see you tomorrow. Hello? 1351 01:08:36,313 --> 01:08:38,282 My Sunday school teacher says in prison, 1352 01:08:38,348 --> 01:08:40,150 women shove broomsticks up your-- 1353 01:08:40,217 --> 01:08:42,452 Hold on. 1354 01:08:42,519 --> 01:08:43,253 Yeah? 1355 01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:53,730 Hello? 1356 01:08:55,098 --> 01:08:56,300 No. this is Diane. 1357 01:08:56,366 --> 01:08:58,067 I think you have the wrong number. 1358 01:08:58,134 --> 01:09:01,238 Oops. That's me. Gotta go. 1359 01:09:01,305 --> 01:09:04,040 Wrong number? No! 1360 01:09:04,107 --> 01:09:05,775 Hello? di? 1361 01:09:05,842 --> 01:09:09,112 I called to say conan talked about us again last night. 1362 01:09:09,179 --> 01:09:10,647 Thanks, Cleo. See you tomorrow. 1363 01:09:13,950 --> 01:09:15,652 Morning, sunshine. 1364 01:09:15,719 --> 01:09:18,855 Remember, except for the morning sickness, 1365 01:09:18,922 --> 01:09:20,424 the blinding back pain, 1366 01:09:20,490 --> 01:09:22,292 and the embarrassingly unpredictable gas, 1367 01:09:22,359 --> 01:09:26,196 these are the best days of your life, so far. 1368 01:09:27,997 --> 01:09:30,734 Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast. 1369 01:09:30,800 --> 01:09:33,002 Following your dream isn't a crime. 1370 01:09:33,069 --> 01:09:34,904 Nobody suspects you. 1371 01:09:34,971 --> 01:09:36,940 Nobody even has a clue. 1372 01:09:37,006 --> 01:09:38,775 Hmm. 1373 01:09:38,842 --> 01:09:41,945 * hey, pistolero * 1374 01:10:14,244 --> 01:10:16,346 hey, guys. 1375 01:10:16,413 --> 01:10:18,715 Someone not take a shower today? 1376 01:10:18,782 --> 01:10:19,949 Kansas: hey, Lisa, 1377 01:10:20,016 --> 01:10:22,452 did you run into Carmen electra last summer? 1378 01:10:22,519 --> 01:10:23,853 No. 1379 01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:28,124 Because it looks like you got some of her tits on you. 1380 01:10:28,191 --> 01:10:31,728 This just came from the national high school cheerleading association. 1381 01:10:31,795 --> 01:10:34,163 You might wanna look it over before you try more 1382 01:10:34,230 --> 01:10:36,165 cradle dismounts from double-based partner stunts 1383 01:10:36,232 --> 01:10:40,870 that are over shoulder stand level, without using 3 catchers. 1384 01:10:40,937 --> 01:10:45,709 Oh...or before you think about robbing another bank. 1385 01:10:46,876 --> 01:10:49,045 What did she say? How does she know? 1386 01:10:49,112 --> 01:10:50,947 Move it, people. 1387 01:10:51,014 --> 01:10:54,284 FBI. FBI. Freeze! 1388 01:10:58,655 --> 01:11:00,490 I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, 1389 01:11:00,557 --> 01:11:03,059 but is this gonna take long? It's game night. 1390 01:11:03,126 --> 01:11:04,694 Man: face front. 1391 01:11:06,496 --> 01:11:08,264 Are you sure they can't see us? 1392 01:11:08,332 --> 01:11:09,933 One-way mirror, ma'am. 1393 01:11:09,999 --> 01:11:13,269 Man: picture in 3, 2, 1. 1394 01:11:17,874 --> 01:11:20,677 Excuse me, on law and order, they get to make one call. 1395 01:11:20,744 --> 01:11:23,513 I need to call the father of my babies. 1396 01:11:29,786 --> 01:11:31,488 It's a fungus. Leave it alone. 1397 01:11:32,556 --> 01:11:34,391 Nothing I can do. Hello? 1398 01:11:34,458 --> 01:11:37,827 Lisa, it's Diane. We need to talk. 1399 01:11:39,696 --> 01:11:42,098 Lisa: and that's why i came forward. 1400 01:11:42,165 --> 01:11:43,900 Even the kids on the short bus 1401 01:11:43,967 --> 01:11:47,937 can see that all the evidence points to Diane and the "a" squad. 1402 01:11:48,004 --> 01:11:49,706 Oh, it sure does. 1403 01:11:49,773 --> 01:11:52,075 Your testimony will prove invaluable-- 1404 01:11:52,141 --> 01:11:54,778 unfortunately, it wasn't them. 1405 01:11:54,844 --> 01:11:57,681 Heh. they were all waiting in my suburban that day 1406 01:11:57,747 --> 01:12:02,085 while I ran into the supermarket for some cash. 1407 01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:05,389 We were on our way to practice. 1408 01:12:05,455 --> 01:12:08,625 Well, better get going. 1409 01:12:08,692 --> 01:12:12,362 Nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind. 1410 01:12:20,336 --> 01:12:22,439 Hey! over here! 1411 01:12:22,506 --> 01:12:24,040 Is that Lisa? 1412 01:12:24,107 --> 01:12:26,576 What's she doing here? 1413 01:12:27,511 --> 01:12:29,746 Come on. 1414 01:12:33,049 --> 01:12:35,284 They let you guys keep your mug shots? 1415 01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:38,955 I don't get it. Why did you tell the cops we were with you? 1416 01:12:39,022 --> 01:12:42,058 Look, guys, a failure to plan is a plan for failure. 1417 01:12:42,125 --> 01:12:43,793 We needed an alibi. 1418 01:12:43,860 --> 01:12:46,496 I'm not gonna be doing back handsprings anytime soon. 1419 01:12:46,563 --> 01:12:48,798 What's in it for her? 1420 01:12:48,865 --> 01:12:51,501 Well, the "a" squad is going to need 1421 01:12:51,568 --> 01:12:53,202 a new captain soon. 1422 01:12:53,269 --> 01:12:54,571 You can't be serious! 1423 01:12:54,638 --> 01:12:58,374 Lisa really does know all the rules. 1424 01:13:01,645 --> 01:13:03,647 Look! if it wasn't for my alibi, 1425 01:13:03,713 --> 01:13:06,816 you'd all be doing college by correspondence. 1426 01:13:10,186 --> 01:13:12,121 Get away from me! 1427 01:13:14,591 --> 01:13:17,160 Ewww. gross. Diane! 1428 01:13:18,495 --> 01:13:20,096 Diane: sorry, it just slipped out. 1429 01:13:20,163 --> 01:13:21,498 Ok! 1430 01:13:21,565 --> 01:13:23,733 Lisa: funny how things work out in the end. 1431 01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:25,535 Diane turned in her pompoms, 1432 01:13:25,602 --> 01:13:28,004 and I'm the new "a" squad captain. 1433 01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:30,607 After all, national high school cheerleading association 1434 01:13:30,674 --> 01:13:34,744 rule number one-- always stand behind your fellow cheerleaders, 1435 01:13:34,811 --> 01:13:37,080 especially when they're 7 months pregnant, 1436 01:13:37,146 --> 01:13:40,416 locked in a holding tank, and looking at 15 to life. 1437 01:13:40,484 --> 01:13:43,119 Actually, I made that last little bit up, 1438 01:13:43,186 --> 01:13:45,622 but you know what I mean. 1439 01:13:53,697 --> 01:13:58,234 * well, she was an American girl * 1440 01:13:58,301 --> 01:14:01,938 * raised on promises * 1441 01:14:02,005 --> 01:14:04,708 * she couldn't help thinkin' that there * 1442 01:14:04,774 --> 01:14:09,546 * was a little more to life somewhere else * 1443 01:14:09,613 --> 01:14:13,750 * after all, it was a great big world * 1444 01:14:13,817 --> 01:14:17,521 * with lots of places to run to * 1445 01:14:17,587 --> 01:14:20,389 * and if she had to die * 1446 01:14:20,456 --> 01:14:26,730 * tryin' she had one little promise she was gonna keep * 1447 01:14:26,796 --> 01:14:30,667 * oh, yeah, alright * 1448 01:14:30,734 --> 01:14:32,636 * take it easy, baby * 1449 01:14:32,702 --> 01:14:35,271 * make it last all night * 1450 01:14:35,338 --> 01:14:39,709 * she was an American girl * 1451 01:14:42,411 --> 01:14:46,182 * well, it was kind of cold that night * 1452 01:14:46,249 --> 01:14:49,919 * she stood alone on her balcony * 1453 01:14:49,986 --> 01:14:53,857 * yeah, she could hear the cars roll by * 1454 01:14:53,923 --> 01:14:58,895 * out on 441, like waves crashin' on the beach * 1455 01:14:58,962 --> 01:15:02,566 * and for one desperate moment there * 1456 01:15:02,632 --> 01:15:06,603 * he crept back in her memory * 1457 01:15:06,670 --> 01:15:08,572 * god, it's so painful * 1458 01:15:08,638 --> 01:15:11,474 * when something that's so close * 1459 01:15:11,541 --> 01:15:15,712 * is still so far out of reach * 1460 01:15:15,779 --> 01:15:19,749 * oh, yeah, alright * 1461 01:15:19,816 --> 01:15:21,718 * take it easy, baby * 1462 01:15:21,785 --> 01:15:24,053 * make it last all night * 1463 01:15:24,120 --> 01:15:28,858 * she was an American girl * 1464 01:15:33,830 --> 01:15:37,100 * an American girl * 1465 01:15:41,938 --> 01:15:45,742 * an American girl * 1466 01:16:02,525 --> 01:16:04,160 * let's go * 1467 01:16:18,474 --> 01:16:20,910 * good morning, sunshine * 1468 01:16:20,977 --> 01:16:25,649 * what you wanna do today? * 1469 01:16:25,715 --> 01:16:28,217 * I'm so tired of working * 1470 01:16:28,284 --> 01:16:32,822 * I've got too many bills to pay, that's ok * 1471 01:16:32,889 --> 01:16:36,860 * 'cause I've got a real straight shot * 1472 01:16:36,926 --> 01:16:41,731 * you've got a pretty good car * 1473 01:16:41,798 --> 01:16:44,033 * so pick a point on the map * 1474 01:16:44,100 --> 01:16:46,169 * doesn't matter which one * 1475 01:16:46,235 --> 01:16:50,173 * we'll be rich when the job gets done * 1476 01:16:50,239 --> 01:16:53,810 * you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun * 1477 01:16:53,877 --> 01:16:56,379 * fill up the tank * 1478 01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:58,882 * let's Rob a bank * 1479 01:17:00,984 --> 01:17:03,853 * I've got holes in my shoes * 1480 01:17:03,920 --> 01:17:07,390 * I've got holes in my underwear * 1481 01:17:08,658 --> 01:17:11,394 * take a look in my wallet * 1482 01:17:11,460 --> 01:17:16,065 * there used to be some money there, I don't care * 1483 01:17:16,132 --> 01:17:20,036 * 'cause I've got a real straight shot * 1484 01:17:20,103 --> 01:17:25,141 * you've got a pretty good car * 1485 01:17:25,208 --> 01:17:27,610 * so pick a point on the map * 1486 01:17:27,677 --> 01:17:29,779 * doesn't matter which one * 1487 01:17:29,846 --> 01:17:33,382 * we'll be rich when the job gets done * 1488 01:17:33,449 --> 01:17:37,053 * you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun * 1489 01:17:37,120 --> 01:17:39,689 * fill up the tank * 1490 01:17:39,756 --> 01:17:42,158 * let's Rob a bank * 1491 01:17:42,225 --> 01:17:45,394 * we can have everything we want * 1492 01:17:45,461 --> 01:17:49,465 * ooooh la, la, la, la * 1493 01:17:49,532 --> 01:17:52,068 * I can buy a new guitar * 1494 01:17:52,135 --> 01:17:54,704 * you can pay your credit cards * 1495 01:17:54,771 --> 01:17:57,741 * let's Rob a bank * 1496 01:18:10,586 --> 01:18:14,758 * 'cause I've got a real straight shot * 1497 01:18:14,824 --> 01:18:19,695 * you've got a pretty good car * 1498 01:18:19,763 --> 01:18:21,965 * so pick a point on the map * 1499 01:18:22,031 --> 01:18:24,801 * doesn't matter which one * 1500 01:18:24,868 --> 01:18:28,004 * we'll be rich when the job gets done * 1501 01:18:28,071 --> 01:18:31,741 * you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun * 1502 01:18:31,808 --> 01:18:34,043 * fill up the tank * 1503 01:18:34,110 --> 01:18:36,079 * let's Rob a bank * 1504 01:18:36,145 --> 01:18:38,081 * point on the map, doesn't matter which one * 1505 01:18:38,147 --> 01:18:39,715 * let's Rob a bank * 1506 01:18:39,783 --> 01:18:41,785 * we'll be rich when the job gets done * 1507 01:18:41,851 --> 01:18:43,352 * let's Rob a bank * 1508 01:18:43,419 --> 01:18:46,823 * you hold the bag, and I'll hold the gun * 1509 01:18:46,890 --> 01:18:49,458 * fill up the tank * 1510 01:18:49,525 --> 01:18:54,030 * let's Rob a bank *